Living with ADD is very challenging. You might remember my post entitled “Stay Small” from September of last year. In it, I spoke about the challenges I’ve faced and (some) overcome to finally feel comfortable with the ADD being a part of me, rather than it ‘othering’ me. I’ve been taking the meds for almost a year now, and most days are still very good. But of course, there are bound to be (as there was) difficult days too. I had one yesterday, and it will bring me to the real reason I wanted to write today - loving someone with ADD must be challenging too.
I had a good day recently. For the most part I wrote a lot, which always feels great and empowering. I moved forward a great deal in a project I’m really excited about and was on cloud nine. When I shared it with my husband, his reaction was very small, he simply said “cool” and moved on to something else. Now, in a perfect world, there’s nothing wrong with that reaction. I mean, I think most anyone would appreciate a more robust and excited response, but not everyone is on top of their game at all times, you know? But this slight and small reaction, unbeknownst to him and without any intention, pushed a tiny snowball down a very long downward path. I was hurt. And my ADDemon (as I’ve taken to calling it) immediately spoke up and turned my hurt and angry knobs up to eleven. Of course, I didn’t blow up at him right away. That would be unfair and crazy like (she said with a sheepish grin on her face), right? Ok. I didn’t. But I certainly let him know I wasn’t pleased with his reaction. And as he tried to defend himself, because that’s what people do when they feel attacked (though it’s not always right or what’s best as I have learned for myself), I was barely able to focus on what he was saying because my snowball was getting larger as it flew down the path.
“Who gives a shit that you wrote all day, it’s not like it gets you anywhere.”
“It’s not like the writing pays or anything. It’s just a waste of time.”
“No one reads it, so why does it even matter?”
And it starts to pull other parts of me into it as well.
“You were so busy writing - FOR NO REASON - you forgot to clean up that mess you said you’d clean, and prepare a dinner which is the least you could do since you were home all day! But no! You wrote and lost all track of time! And wrote for what???”
“It’s like your music - what’s the purpose of that?”
“You waste so much time on things that go nowhere - your writing, your music, your art - who gives a flying fuck? No one!”
And the ball keeps rolling, even after we calm down and make up. I can even go out to a social gathering, where it appears as though I’m fine and all is back to normal, but as soon as I’m back home or alone again, it continues. And it’s stupid little things.
My sunglasses fell off of my head onto the floor, but I was angry so I left them and told myself I’ll pick them back up on the way out. But did I? No, I forgot. And so the ADDemon picked that up too.
“You see??? Your brain is so malfunctioned you can’t even remember to pick up sunglasses off of the floor 30 seconds later!!!”
It’s strange. I always thought my not liking or caring about myself was attributed to the patriarchy and abuse I’ve been subjected to. I’m certainly not giving either a pass, but when I really think about it… I mean, take a deep breath, reflect on my life from as early as possible and on, how it felt being me…it’s hard to know just how influential my ADDemon has been. It’s likely a good mix of all of it, but honestly! Such a jerk! Always trying to convince me I’m basically nothing and have nothing to contribute to anything. But why do I listen to it? Why do I give it any power?
I know for a fact, 100%, that if a loved one or friend, or even a complete stranger, was in front of me and stated any of those stupid ‘facts’ about themselves, I would do everything in my power to convince them NOT to listen. I would make every effort to help them unlearn what the demon has been trying to teach them and make them believe. So why can’t I do that for myself?
But seriously, it’s hard not to listen to what you think is yourself, or your own brain. I mean, it’s coming from you. It’s not an unfamiliar voice. It’s a constant companion. It’s certainly very loud, and my emotions seem to listen to it without any guidance or help from me.
In short, my ADDemon sucks, and some days it’s harder not to hear it than others. Thank the stars for those who love me and have the patience and desire to help me unlearn its cruel untruths.
And hey, mine stems from ADD, or maybe it doesn’t. But I’m sure similar voices creep up in other forms - depression, anxiety, and dozens of other things. And I bet, the majority of people walking this planet struggle with something similar in some way. So, wouldn’t it be great if we all just approached everything with kindness? Positivity? Love?
You’d think it wouldn’t need repeating, but I digress.
Love & kindness to you all,
xo
b
Ⓒ August 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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