A New Start

She stepped out of the cab and took a deep breath. Was the air fresher here, as she’d hoped, dreamed, possibly even remembered? It felt the same as the air back home, just fine. When she didn’t hear the sound of the drivers door opening or closing, she turned. He was on his cell phone, clearly not coming out to help her with her bags. She sighed and walked around to the trunk, pounded her fist on it, and it opened. She took out her two suitcases and placed them to the side of the street. Then she grabbed her backpack and moved the straps into place over her shoulders. When she closed the trunk, the cabbie lowered his window and put out his hand, continuing his conversation on the phone. She walked around to his door, retrieving money from her wallet. She tried converting the amount to her home currency, reminding herself to practice the math, but he briskly took the money from her hand and drove off. She sighed again, annoyed. Her husband had always been the one who took care of the money when they’d traveled. Math was one of his strong suits and so she’d relied on him. She stood in the middle of the road still trying to calculate the conversion when a loud honk blared behind her. She jumped and moved back onto the side of the street. The driver of a small Fiat, an older woman, raised her hand at her as she passed, but not as a hello. She could hear herself wanting to apologize and explain, but knew there was no point. She turned to grab her luggage and then toward the house. It looked even more dilapidated than she remembered. Perhaps she was simply tired, jet-lagged and emotionally drained. It had been a long day. Hell, it had been a long year.

She took in her surroundings as she walked up the lengthy lane way to the house. She wanted desperately to feel excitement and relief. Hadn’t the last ten years, but more specifically three, lead up to this moment? Wasn’t this what she’d always wanted? She couldn’t help but notice that the lane way needed work. There were a number of potholes that wouldn’t be kind to a car, but she didn’t know the first thing about fixing that. It wasn’t asphalt, so it wasn’t a “fill it in” kinda scenario. Or was it? Did she only have to fill the potholes with the same kind of dirt and it would be fine? Is that something one can google, she wondered? She came up to the door and saw paint flaking, and the white frame seemed to have some nasty looking spots and dents in it. She stepped onto the first step and felt it move. Clearly, that would have to be fixed too. She dug into her purse for the envelope but couldn’t seem to find it. She was beginning to feel panicked, that perhaps she’d forgotten it. Her breath quickened as she tried to think of what she would do, where she would go, when finally she felt the small envelope brush her fingers. She picked it up and could feel the weight of the key. She pulled the envelope open and let the key fall into her hand. She stared at it. She could remember the moment she first saw it, how elated she’d been. Her husband had surprised her with a night out, nothing too out of the ordinary but she’d felt something in the air that night. After dinner, he’d pulled a box out of his jacket pocket and smiled as he laid it on the table in front of her.

“What is it?” she’d asked.

“Open it,” he’d responded with his shy, nervous and excited smile spread across his face. When she’d seen the key, she’d known immediately what it was for.

“We got it?” she asked and he nodded.

“Confirmed, firm and final last week.”

“Last week?” she feigned anger.

“I wanted to be 100% sure all came through and then thought telling you this way would be more fun.” She’d leaned over and kissed him then, a deep and passionate kiss filled with love, adoration, and hope for the future. “I love you,” he’d whispered, and she’d whispered it back.

Now she stood in front of the house alone, the key in her hand, cold and sharp. With a deep breath, she plunged it into the keyhole and unlocked the door. It creaked as it slowly swung open. There were leaves on the floor inside, crumpled and dry. The carpet that had been laid out to welcome strangers in the past was no longer welcoming. It was stained and torn in many places and had threads jutting out on all sides and corners. She slowly stepped in and looked for a light switch. Despite it being the middle of the day, it was a little dark. Not finding one, she gave up and turned back to get her luggage. After getting them in, she closed the door behind her and turned back into the house. It was so different from what she remembered. Of course, it had been almost a year since she’d seen it last. It felt dark and ominous, and had a strange smell, and a feeling of fear was slowly building inside of her.

Stop it, she told herself. This is it. This is what you wanted. You can do this.

She stepped off of the crappy welcome mat and onto the hard floor. Her shoes, though not high heeled, echoed throughout the large foyer and into the empty room to her right. Probably the living room, she thought as she tried to picture the house being made into a home. But it was as though her eyes, brain, possibly even heart, were purposely seeking out every problem, concern or challenge that could be seen. Had they been crazy to purchase this? What had she been thinking? She shook her head, hoping her doubts would disappear. She needed to tune them out. She walked to the back of the house, refusing to absorb anymore surroundings, until she stood before the large windows overlooking the grounds. This had been a feature she’d fallen in love with when they’d seen it so long ago. The panoramic view of the area was breathtaking. The sun was getting lower in the sky behind her and she could see the shadows of overgrown trees and bushes shortening with each passing moment. She’d made it. She was finally there. This is what she’d been dreaming about for years. She’d talked about it over so many dinners and drinks with her husband, sister, mother and friends. She couldn’t believe she’d made it. She wanted to laugh and dance but all she could muster the energy for were tears. All she could feel inside of her, rather than the long awaited excitement of beginning the dream and making it a reality, was fear and disappointment. She wasn’t supposed to be alone. This wasn’t how she’d pictured it, and she didn’t know how she would do it without him.

For what she felt would be the only time, she was thankful for the disgusting carpet underneath her feet as she lowered herself to her knees and finally let the tears, the pain, and the anguish out. After several minutes, she lowered herself even more to rest her head on her backpack. She wept and wept, until she fell asleep.

Ⓒ February 2020. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.