Calm Chaos

Hubby and I were watching a very dramatic show on Netflix the other day. At one point, he turned to me and said “man, I am so happy our lives aren’t filled with that much drama”! And while that’s true, it also isn’t. I mean, yes, our lives aren’t quite so dramatic. We don’t have eloquent speeches sporadically thrown in to alter the course of our marriage or lives. Such harsh words as exchanged on-screen are rarely ever said in our home. However, the issues a lot of these Netflix shows tackle are real. It’s the flair for the dramatic that makes it entertaining.

I mean hey, I’m sad that I no longer live in the same city as my son. I miss him. I’m sad that we are approximately 4,328.7 km apart (not that I googled it or anything). Now, I’m aware of that sadness and manage it every day as best I can. Some days are easier than others, but I make a concerted effort to acknowledge and feel the sadness when I need to. And I seek support when I need it. And I’m grateful to receive that support from family and friends, including my son. Sounds pretty good, right? But is it entertaining? I could refuse to eat on the grounds that I’m too upset at being separated from my one and only son. I could deny that I feel any sadness and allow it to manifest as short bursts of anger towards hubby. Or worse, I could lay blame at my son’s feet and allow our relationship to disintegrate over time. That’s likely what a good dramatic show would do to relay my anguish and emotional turmoil. But this is real life! And yes hubby, I agree, thank the stars we’re not so dramatic. But at the same time, it’s inspiring to watch people (albeit fictional characters) who live in the present moment of their (TV) lives. Who are honest with themselves about what feelings they are having, and are also able to communicate those feelings effectively to those they care about, perhaps even those involved. Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from the drama? They just seem to know how to manage the quiet and calm chaos that is life.

What do I mean by calm chaos? There are everyday occurrences that wreak havoc on our lives, but we often take it in stride. Rather than being in tune with our emotions when we’re having them, we push them down or cast them aside so that we can focus on the task at hand. We deny the feelings for one of a million reasons, but the main root is either fear or hurt. Because, for some reason, these emotions are harder to manage and express than anger. Perhaps it’s because they are seen as weaknesses, which would go against instincts. Or, perhaps it’s because they are too complicated to process, which is uncomfortable. I mean, isn’t the root cause of all human behavior derived from the need to relieve discomfort? And that is the calm chaos I am referring to. The feelings inside that we repress, deny, or ignore that then grow into a storm we feel we can no longer control. And we are fully aware it’s unhealthy. Just like those who smoke cigarettes, or drink alcohol, or eat fast or fatty foods. Even though we logically know it isn’t good for us, because our brain will do anything to avoid being uncomfortable, we imbibe. Because it’s easier and feels good in the moment, we indulge. And that includes anger. We give in to it, and feed it because it is an easy emotion. In anger, we can lash out and blame something or someone else for our misery. Instead of feeling our fear or sadness, we can lay responsibility at someone else’s feet and play the victim.

As a victim, it is no longer our fault. We are no longer responsible for our actions, or reactions, to the transgression that was so egregiously inflicted on us. And bonus, as a society, we give latitude and make excuses for those who are angry all the time. How else could we coin such terms as “crime of passion” or the often over-or misused “mental health issues”*? We give leniency to a person who is acting out of anger. However, when someone is in fear or is hurt (not physically), we often laugh at their expense, or just tell them not to be and/or get over it. And the ironic thing is, we do it because when someone else is feeling scared or hurt, it makes us uncomfortable. Why is it that we are seemingly more comfortable with anger, even from someone else? Perhaps because it is so easy to relate to? Every person on this planet has been angry at some point in their life. And it’s something most people would be willing to admit to. Whereas fear and sadness, are shameful. Even with anger, we can still aim for perfection. But those other two, they make us less than, don’t they?

I read a quote some time ago, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t even remember where I saw it or read it for the first time. And now, it’s painted on my studio wall, where I create art, music, and write as inspiration and a daily reminder. Here is a poem I wrote based on that quote.

We always aim to please

While reconciling with our needs

We want a life of ease

While combing through the weeds

The chaos and the calm

Constantly battling inside

Two wolves, two bombs

Causing such a great divide

Which to feed or light?

Which to grow or blow?

Are we back to fight or flight?

Whose allegiance do we owe?

We push away the pain

Or discomfort we may feel

Allowing our own brain

To distract us from what’s real

We crawl into our cave

Hiding just like an addict

Denying what we crave

Creating more conflict

Simple words can save

If we’d only just reflect

And be honest and be brave

Not trying to perfect

The calm chaos inside

Can give us an advantage

We must be wide-eyed

And simply learn to manage

The feelings that jump out

Seemingly from nowhere

Filling us with doubt

But showing us we care

The calm chaos enslaves

Teaching us to protect

To be honest and be brave

Never ever perfect

*I am not including those with clinically diagnosed mental health issues in this statement. I am speaking to my personal belief that when an individual doesn’t manage or honestly process their emotions and allows things to manifest in anger, the anger can grow and it becomes easier for the individual to excuse their actions due to said anger.

Ⓒ November 2021. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.