CWF Seeking Audience

(Creative White Female) Seeking Audience

Do I create music for (or to gain) an audience? Do I create it for myself? This has been a never-ending dispute within me for as long as I can remember. And it’s been at the center of many conversations (or debates) with musicians I’ve met over the years, which usually get to a point of agreeing to disagree.

“There’s no real point in creating it if there’s no one to listen, is there?”

“But if you really love it, then should that really matter?”

Honestly, I don’t think I ever truly understood what to make music for yourself really meant. I mean, isn’t music made to be listened to? It doesn’t necessarily have to be by thousands or millions of people, though there are some lucky and blessed enough to experience that. Even just an audience of a handful of people can make it worthwhile. That, I have experience with. However, an artist paints in hopes that someone will look at their painting one day and find meaning, right? But how many artists painted and were only ‘discovered’ post-humously? Vincent Van Gogh comes to mind. Or how about writers who were discovered after death? Emily Dickinson, to name one. One could argue that an artist becomes significantly more ‘valuable’ after they die because there’s no way anymore of their art will be created. But to me, as an artist, that’s just depressing and scary.

I’ve heard many, if not all, sides of the argument now - does one in fact need an audience to create? Should one create only if they have an audience? Does one create in hopes to find an audience? I could go on and on. But recently, I’ve written a lot of songs, and I loved creating every single one of them. It was cathartic. It was healing. It was fun. It was magical. It was empowering. It was all of those things and more. Even more recently, I’ve been focusing on how to get the songs out there, to find my audience, so to speak. It’s been hell. It’s been frustrating. It’s been scary. It’s been numbing. It’s been awful. So what’s my point? Well…

Hubby and I went for a walk the other day and we were discussing, well actually, I was venting, about how frustrating it is for me to focus on one activity. I love creating and writing music, but I also love writing stories and poetry, and screenplays. And I love drawing, painting, and doodling. How am I to focus on just one thing? Being the sweet and wise man he is, my hubby suggested focusing on the one (or ones) I love most. But here’s the issue, I love ALL of them! (I know, first world problem, right?). But then he offered an interesting observation. He told me that when I’ve been holed up in my studio creating art or writing stories, I am a happy camper when I emerge at the end of the day. But when I work on my music and I creep out to say hello to the rest of the world, I am not. I am stressed, exhausted, and sometimes unpleasant.

This was mind-blowing to me! To think, even for a moment, that there was any way in which I didn’t enjoy music or it was negatively impacting me?! Or worse, negatively impacting those I love! Hubby was fearful he’d overstepped, but I was (and am) so grateful he shared his experience with me. Without it, I would never have realized what I feel I finally understand. I DO love music. I love creating it. At times, it feels as vital as breathing to me. What I don’t like, and what causes me stress and makes me feel so shitty, is trying to share it. And by that, I mean sharing it in the way the world has told me I have to in order to “make it”: trying to build a fan base on social media, trying to find a way of recording it so it sounds proper and professional like those number one singles you hear on the radio, entering vapid popularity contests to feel valued, etc. Basically, begging the world to “look at me”, “listen to me”, “love me’!!! Ugh! Well, no more. I don’t need an audience! I just need to create. And I don’t need to follow a formula in getting it out there for people to hear. Imma do it my way. If that means my recordings sound like I recorded them on the couch in my studio, then so be it. If that means my instrumentation is less Zimmer, or Mitchell, or Jackson… as long as it’s all me, as long as it’s mine, as long as I’m happy with it, it’s perfect. As long as I put out my art, in my way, without comparing it to others, then I’m good. And THAT, my friends, is what I think making music for yourself means.

So of course, I wrote a song about it. Originally, I wrote these lyrics after an argument with my husband, but I feel they fit this topic so much better. Re-reading them they hilariously and so succinctly apply to this situation - my relationship with music. Or perhaps my relationship with the audience I’ve been so desperate to find...

Sometimes it feels it’s time for you to go

But then I say the words to make you stay

I’m flipping and flopping, truth is I just don’t know

What to do here, which is the better way

But I know that I love you

I know that you’re good

I just don’t feel like I’m understood

And I know as individuals, we’re perfect people

But what are we together?

Sometimes it feels like we can conquer the earth

All we need is each other, to be hand in hand

But then there are moments when I’m questioning my worth

And that’s something I just can’t stand

But I know that I love you

I know that we’re good

I just don’t feel like I’m understood

And I know as individuals, we’re perfect people

But what are we together?

Are we titanium?

Or just a bunch of snowflakes

Making a snowman that will melt someday

Is the sun shining too bright

Have we completely lost sight of what we are together?

Sometimes I think about the times we’re happy

All we need is each other, to be side by side

And then I think of all the times that we’re snappy

That’s something neither of us should have to abide

But I know that I love you

I know that we’re good

I just don’t feel like I’m understood

And I know as individuals, we’re perfect people

But what are we together?

Are we titanium?

Or just a bunch of snowflakes

Making a snowman that will melt someday

Is the sun shining too bright

Have we completely lost sight of what we are together

Are we geraniums?

Just a bunch of petals

Making a flower that comes back somedays

Strengthening from our own rest

So we can come back our best

Is that what we are together?

P.S. I also created the piece of art as another way to express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions related to this post.

Ⓒ November 2021. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.