#13 Happiness is feeling useful to others
I feel like numbers 8 through 11 all fit into this list item. I mean, being with people we love, wanting our family to lack nothing, working a job we love, and having our own home and garden all take work, which requires being useful, doesn’t it? So, it kind of makes sense that feeling useful would also lead to happiness then. At least, I think so.
But let us follow our pattern and dissect this list item.
Feeling useful for others means helping others, right? Whether it’s helping someone carry their groceries in from the car, or shoveling their walkway/mowing their lawn for them, or helping them build the new deck off the back of their house - helping someone means helping to carry their load (figuratively and literally). Doing so helps them to feel happier in the moment, which in turn means they’ll be grateful (one would think), and we in turn feel happier because happiness is somewhat contagious? Maybe I’m beginning to confuse myself by getting too deep, but that sounds right.
Feeling useful, or helping someone, strengthens the connection we have with the person we’re helping, or being useful to. Let’s be honest, when someone helps you out, you feel lighter, grateful, perhaps impressed, and you feel like you like that person a little more. Or if you were angry with them, you feel a little less angry after their usefulness. As mentioned in a previous post for item list number eight (With Those We Love), connection and having people we love (and who love us) is vital to the human experience. We are social creatures, which can be both a blessing and a curse. But still, even feeling useful, or helping a complete stranger can help us feel better too. Why is that? Well, in simple terms, it is still a connection - that of our community of human beings. But if that’s a little too mumbo-jumbo like for you, there is the good old matter of fact that helping others increases our self-esteem and self-worth. When we are useful, we feel we have value and are appreciated for what we bring to the situation, or project, or relationship, or business, etc. Feeling the effects of that, it increases our confidence and leads to a stronger overall satisfaction with our life.
Of course, there are selfish reasons why we like to feel useful and help others (isn’t there always a little selfish behind everything we do??). Scientifically speaking, we do it because it triggers our brain’s reward system, firing off the chemicals of dopamine and oxytocin to fill us with feelings of warmth, happiness, and connection. I mean, that sounds like a pretty decent high. But the other selfish aspect is that a large percentage of us believe in karma, or the laws of reciprocity - the whole ‘do unto others as you would have done unto you’ - or something like that. But yes, sometimes our kindness, or usefulness, comes with strings. We expect a bit of a quid-pro-quo, where that person will ‘owe us’ afterward. This isn’t a bad thing necessarily, though it can certainly read that way. But honestly, how bad is it for a kindness to be returned with a kindness. Of course, it’s really not so nice when someone does you a solid and then throws it in your face. The good old “After everything I’ve done for you” crap. Not cool. Just, not cool. You know? But certainly, there is nothing wrong with communicating an expectation or hope if there is one. If Jane asks me to help her build her new deck, there’s nothing wrong with my agreeing to, happily, and then asking for her to then be respectful and not have insane parties on her new deck until the wee hours of the morning. Or, as kids can do, I’ll cook dinner if my hubby promises to take the dog out before bed. In my humble opinion, there ain’t nothing wrong with a kindness for a kindness, but as always, it must be communicated and considered fair for both parties.
Moving on… I think one of my favorite aspects of this list item and its effects are the fact that in performing a task, or kindness, for someone (therefore being useful) forces us to reduce the focus on ourself. It forces us to shift our focus away from the self and our own problems or concerns, alleviating the stress we hold or carry, even if only for a moment. As I’ve aged, and ‘matured’, I’ve come to realize how inherently self-obsessed we humans are. Our brain is constantly concerned with the self - how we look, how we feel, how we move, how others perceive us, how we sound, etc. Etc. It’s ridiculous. If I was intelligent enough to become a neuroscientist, I would most certainly study how to retrain the brain, but I digress. So, essentially, we’re these self-obsessed people who more often think about our life, our experience, way more than we think of others. But when we are useful to others, we feel good for the duration of performing that usefulness (and longer if we’re lucky) and it helps us to forget our own issues for a time. How great is that? Perhaps that’s why women were able to remain as the second class citizens they’ve been for so long. Historically, women were (and I believe are) the ones performing volunteer work (which often consists of usefulness to a cause or another person). So, in being kept busy being useful and kind to others, we were too distracted to focus on our own issues - like men thinking they rule everything and have more value than women. Whoa! That’s an interesting thought, isn’t it? But, it’s not what this post is about, so maybe I’ll put a pin in that and come back to it later.
OK. So, helping others, feeling useful, is good for our overall happiness. We’ve covered some of the why’s, let’s talk about the how’s. How can we be useful to others? Here are some thoughts on that…
Help others - kind of a no-brainer based on what’s written above, but it can be something as simple as bringing your neighbors trash bins back from the curb or as challenging as helping someone build their house from the ground up.
Pursuing passion - just like item list number ten (To Live is to Work), when we pursue our interests, our passions, we become more engaged, motivated, and find more meaning. So, try new things, explore your interests, whether they be sport related, art related, or a unique hobby. Just do it!
Setting Goals - I used to LOVE this, but then I found I was so focused on my goals, I often lost sight of the present and so was living for the future. However, there’s nothing wrong with setting a goal, and pursuing it in a healthy and realistic way. And remember to be kind to yourself about the goals too. Set them to a manageable reach. If you want to set a goal to run a marathon, start with a short run around the block. When you can do that without concern or issue, run around the perimeter of your neighborhood. When that seems easy enough, run around a bigger perimeter. Baby steps, and be kind on the days you won’t reach it. Because that WILL happen from time to time, and that’s ok.
Learning & Growing - take a class on something you never though you’d be interetested in. I took a class on Child Cognitive and Social Development! It’s not that it didn’t interest me, but I knew it would be hard because of all the academic jargon and such. And it was, very challenging. But man, did it feel good when I finished. Next stop - learning to play the cello…. Someday.
Expressing Gratitude - It still amazes me how something so simple and small can be so effective, but it’s true. I used to be such a negative Neil. I allowed fear and anxiety to rule my outlook for years and so it trained my brain to always see the negative side of things. But then, through gratitude practice, making note of 2-3 things to be grateful for at the end of every day, it slowly started changing. It became easier to see the good side of things. And now, I’m like a super pro at it! It began with writing in my journal, and now it’s an everyday reflex. It’s amazing!
OK. I think that’s enough now. I’m starting to feel really kinda preachy with these posts. Are you reading it as such? Please let me know as that is not my intention. It started as an excercise based on interest, but has become so much more. Like sharing my stories, I just hope to put something out there that someone (or some people) connect with. But still, let me know if I’m coing across as a know it all or something.
For now, I’m about to go walk my dog and take my sisters dog with me. Why? Because it helps make her chore load a little lighter and walking her dog is one less thing she’ll have to worry about when coming home from work later. Plus, it makes me feel useful. (See what I did there?).
Ⓒ May 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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