A few nights ago, I had a gig, a performance, with the cover band I have been a member of for almost two years. We rocked it, and I had so much fun. Singing live in front of an audience is one of my top, most favorite things to do. Not only is it really fun to get up there and sing my heart out, but vibing and connecting with an audience is amazing beyond words. And the truth is, I’m damn good at it. I haven’t known or had a lot of faith in myself throughout my life, but my ability to sing and perform has never been in question. I’ve been doing it since I was ten or eleven years old, and without fail, people approach me afterward to congratulate me on a great show, or tell me how much they loved me/it. I’m not saying that I have/am/and will be everyone’s cup of tea, but for all the abilities and talents I question about myself, this is not one of them. So, the night should have been a resounding success. I should’ve left the bar feeling like I was walking among the stars, on cloud nine, ready to take on the world. Unfortunately, it wasn’t so. Instead, we finished the show and my entire body filled with anxiety and stress because it was our last gig together and I didn’t know why. And I didn’t know how to say goodbye. This is what I’ve been struggling with for weeks now - saying goodbye. Because the truth is, I wasn’t even given the opportunity to do so in a dignified and mutually respectful way.
You may have read my ”Mourn the Living” blog post (Feb28/23) - well this is a continuation of that. Remember how I was left feeling abandoned, and as though his leaving the band without a word had been an awful betrayal? Wondering if it had anything to do with me? Well, it turns out I was right - it did. And that sucks. But the thing that has really left a really sour taste in my mouth, and a little fire in my belly, is the fact that he never had the hutzpah to tell me. And to add insult to injury, I was loathe to discover that he and another band mate had conspired (behind my back!!!) to try and get rid of me! I mean, the audactiy! The ridiculousness! The childish, selfish, immature, and cowardly behavior! These are freakin’ adults and they couldn’t just sit me down and have a conversation? What’s that about? Would it have been a simple and/or easy conversation? Likely not. I would’ve asked for an explanation, and perhaps tried to advocate for myself so that we could stay together - I mean, we were a REALLY good band! But in the end, I know I would’ve accepted their feelings/decision, and moved on. I mean, when I first found out the guitarist left because of me, I even asked the rest of the band if they’d prefer I leave. I didn’t want to be the reason the original group broke up! I was the most recent addition, and if I wasn’t what they wanted, I didn’t want to be there. Not only for their sake, but for mine. I’ve found myself in too many relationships, be they platonic, intimate, professional, or whatever, where I’ve stayed too long. Relationships where I felt wasn’t wanted but when asked, was gaslit and told that I wascrazy because I was wanted. Why lie to me? I just don’t get it?
Though I thoroughly enjoyed being a member of the band, for months things didn’t feel right to me. I was worried that I wasn’t liked all that much. I was feeling these underlying, hidden, and passive feelings of discomfort and not fitting in. But when I questioned it, I convinced myself I was over-reacting. I told myself that I was giving my traumas too much power and allowing them to affect my happiness. And though I never asked the others about it - you know, self-fulfilling prophecies and such - while I was feeling something was off in my gut, they were telling me they loved me! That they were so happy I joined the band! That I was such a breath of fresh air and so fun to perform with! They were literally telling me all of the things to discredit what my gut was telling me. And yet, now, here we are. And just like I wrote in ”Mourn the Living” and in ”Use that Voice” - I just don’t get it! What is wrong with communicating? What is wrong with having the crucial and uncomfortable conversation so that all parties can walk away at least feeling heard and perhaps better understood? Because now I will have this looming over me forever. And I truly mean forever!
I had a best friend in grade school who suddenly ended our friendship and I’m not going to lie, it still plagues me to this day. Why? What happened? Did something happen to her? Or did I do something? Or maybe there is something about me that simply turns people away? If so, what the fuck is it?????
The demise of this band will haunt me forever. Even if I am able to join or start another. Even if that new band is just as good, or even better. Even if I never see the two members ever again. There will always be those looming and annoying questions - why, what happened, where did it go wrong, what could I have done differently, etc. etc. Looming and unanswered questions are so fucking annoying, and I feel I have too many of them. But, what can one do except keep moving forward, one step and one day at a time.
And as for those two people - the manipulators, the liars, the lost souls… there’s a part of me that wishes I could say ”fuck them”, but I can’t. It’s not in me to say it and really mean it (though I have said it). Despite what those closest to me have said and are saying, I don’t wish them any ill will. Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am hurt. And yes, I am confused. But I still want to believe they didn’t mean to cause any of it. I want to believe that they just mishandled the situation out of fear. I can’t possible know what they are/were afraid of, but I’m confident fear is the root of all pain, hurt, and anger. And I don’t know why they chose me to act it out on. Perhaps I’m an easy target. Perhaps they knew I would take it with grace, class, and kindness. Perhaps they knew that in the end, I would forgive them. Because I will. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. Though there is a part of me that has, I’m not fully there yet. But I will be. And yes, that will be more for myself than for them, but still - forgiveness is forgiveness, is it not?
Ⓒ May 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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