I know life is hard. I mean, I hope the breathing and basic functions that keep one alive isn’t hard, but living life itself isn’t easy. It all depends on what’s thrown at us, how we respond to it, if we have the support of one, or others, who love us, what we look like, feel like, think like, our income, our health, our belief system…. So many things. Even when we hear advice that rings true to us and is meant to change our perspective in hopes that it makes things easier, we still struggle. For example, I’m fond of the advice to “make the choice(s) that will allow you to get one step closer to becoming the person you want to be”. Short. Simple. Effective. It’s not about making choices that cater to other peoples’ needs. Nor about serving the almighty dollar. If I take the time to think about who/where I want to be in ten, even five, years - it deeply affects my choices. I want to be content. I want to have time to write, more than once or twice a week. I want to be surrounded by others who value me, and who I also value. I want to be active. Healthy. I want to be eager to get up every morning and live my life. But when we’re actually faced with a challenge, a decision, our brain clutters the process of deciding a great deal. At least, mine does. I overthink, over analyze, and over stress and man, is it frustrating. It affects my sleep, therefore my temperament, and sometimes even my health.
Since finishing the first draft of my novel, I’ve barely written. And I have several projects on the go - three novels and six screenplays to be precise. I currently have a job that doesn’t allow much energy for writing. I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t allow time, because I still find/make time to watch movies/television, read, etc. The issue is that the job itself requires quite a lot of my energy. So much so, that I don’t have much (if any) left to write. Truth is, I’ve given the job too much energy in the last year. But, I digress. It’s beyond exciting that I’ve completed the first draft of my novel. It’s a milestone I’d not yet reached before. And yes, a lot of the blogs and seminars regarding completing a novel (or any writing project) suggest stepping away for some time to clear your head and return to it with fresh eyes. So, I guess I’m being successful at that. But why am I not writing at all?
Truth be told, writing is freakin’ hard. I mean, the act of writing itself is fine. Once I get to it. It’s getting to it, and sticking to it, finding time for it, investing in it, believing in it, and enjoying it (rarely, but sometimes). Why does my brain work so hard to convince me NOT to write? It’s honestly a very bad habit. (Or is the bad habit listening to it?). It’ll tell me to watch something instead because I deserve to relax - when writing isn’t strenuous. It isn’t ‘work’ for me. I love it. So why do that? Sometimes it even tries to convince me that I won’t know what to write anyway, so why bother. But so what? I enjoy it! And truth be told, I start with a few words, even if they are “I don’t know what to write about” and boom - the words keep flowing. Sometimes, it’ll try and convince me to do my chores first because that’s the responsible and adult thing to do. I mean, I guess it’s not wrong. But most of my chores are not so important they can’t wait until later, or the next day. Of course, my all time favorite reason not to write is, “no one cares so why bother” and I’ve blogged about this before. My brain needs to shut the eff up and mind it’s own business. Sure, my blog hasn’t gone viral. Neither has my music, or my art. But I don’t do it for that. It might be a nice side effect - especially if I could garner a livable income from it, but essentially, I write and make art because it’s who I am. It’s how I function and navigate. It helps me process things I need, and others I’m not aware I need, to process. I’m not going to go so far (and dramatic) as to say it is my air, my water, I can’t live without it. But I do know from experience, I’m happier when I’m creating.
If I really think about this, and I mean, go deep - I think a large part of the problem is the way we are educated. Let me explain… I was a girl guide leader for a decade or so. I thoroughly enjoyed working to help build the confidence and self-esteem of young girls through fun activities, games, and camping. Some of my fondest memories are from those events and days. But I digress. I remember when I first started, I was in charge of the craft activity. I chose one I thought would be really fun. I made one myself at home, to ensure it was not too difficult for the kids, and I brought it in as an example fo them to have as guidance. I wanted the girls to have fun making the craft but quickly found they were all working really hard to make it look exactly like mine. As though having it look the same as mine validated the whole process for them, and how talented or good they were. But that wasn’t the goal! The goal was to make the craft for fun. To make it their own and be proud of it. But they were so focussed on making it look exactly like mine, a lot of them grew frustrated with the process and the whole purpose of the activity was basically shot. And that’s part of what’s wrong with the way we are educated. We’re constantly shown an example by which to compare ourselves. I’m not talking about right or wrong answers. I’m talking about how to get to the answers. I mean, you ask a group of kids to make you a snowman, and likely 80-90% of the time, they’re going to pile three balls of snow on top of each other, give it two eyes, a carrot for a nose, sticks for arms, and possibly a hat and scarf. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. But is that really the ONLY way to make a snowman? Can’t we re-imagine it?
So how does this relate to my writing? Well - the need for validation, plus the fact that I have millions of writing projects to compare my work to (i.e. novels and movies). I mean, because of the way we’re taught, like there is some sort of perfect formula to reach your end goal, there are oodles of books, workshops, seminars, classes, programs, courses, etc., to “teach” you how to be “successful” at the very thing you already do (which, by the way, can really suck the fun out of it). I love writing and making music. But when I tried to become “successful” at it, it became less and less about the music and how to garner likes, and views, and convince people to listen to me, come see me, etc.
I see ads for getting your novel published, pitching your screenplay to producers or networks, how to really finish your novel, etc. Etc. But the truth is, there is no one way to do it, is there? And getting published, may not be the right end goal. What works for Stephen King or Margaret Atwood to be able to churn out another story/novel, may not work for me. Or you. Starving yourself, sleeping on people’s couches, or living out of a van and taking any gig you can may have worked for Alanis Morissette and David Grohl. But it may not have worked for me. Just like, getting discovered on YouTube may have worked for Justin Bieber, or on a sports Jumbotron for Pamela Anderson, may not have worked for me. There is no formula! There’s just doing. And the comparing and trying to reach someone else’s (or the rest of the worlds) version of success, just ruins it, in my humble and honest opinion.
So, why haven’t I been writing? It’s not lack of ideas - that’s never an issue for me. It’s not lack of time. And truth, though my energy may feel low, it doesn’t take a lot of energy to write, does it? I guess, of all the things I’ve gotten really good at in life, and not just naturally, but through hard work, determination, and consistent effort - is getting in my own way. Such a shame that no good can come from such a fine tuned skill. But maybe, just maybe, if I put as much energy into the things I love, things that are healthy for me, that make me happy, perhaps I can then make it where it too is easy for me to get out of my own way and move forward. Perhaps that can be my goal for 2024. Sounds pretty good to me. And perhaps, it might make living me life just a little bit easier. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I hope you, if you’ve found something you love doing, something that makes you happy, that you can make it a priority in your life and get out of your own way too.
Cheers!
b
Ⓒ January 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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