Healing After Trauma

I remember when Covid was at its peak where I lived. Everyone was saying they couldn’t wait for things to ‘go back to normal’. I barely even knew what that meant. What is normal? How does one “go back” to it, when something, or so much, has happened to alter it?

Returning to a sense of “normal” after a traumatic event is complex and a highly individual process. For many people, the experience of trauma is life-altering, and their sense of “normal” shifts as they integrate the experience into their lives. 

Some individuals do find a way to regain a sense of normalcy, but it involves healing, processing the trauma, and redefining what normal looks like to them. This can include therapy, support from loved ones, time, and finding new coping mechanisms or perspectives. But it’s a process of adapting.

For others, “normal” might mean living with ongoing effects of trauma, like PTSD, anxiety, or changes in their worldview. Unable to return to their previous state, they adapt and develop resilience, creating a new version of normal that incorporates their experiences. So yet another form of adapting

Ultimately, people cannot return to the exact state they were in before the trauma, but can still lead fulfilling and meaningful lives, finding strength and growth through their journey of recovery. 

I am by no means an expert in trauma and/or recovery from trauma. At least, not in the sense that our society dictates. I don’t have a degree, or masters, or PHD in psychology or anything for that matter. But I do have quite a bit of experience with trauma. I know there are way more people out there with even more trauma than me, but still - those who help addicts overcome addiction are often addicts themselves, and I think there is logic to that system. 

With my first obvious traumautic experience (the rape when I was thirteen) I played things out like I’d read the what-not-to-do list from a textbook. I denied anything happened. Rewrote the story to try and make it less of a big deal. I lied to myself for years, claiming I was fine, that I’d handled it. And I looked to numb myself with all kinds of unhealthy things. Having an unstable foundational base, built on lies and not caring for myself, I was completely lost on how to navigate life, and make healthy choices. Basically, I set myself up to fail. 

Once I finally came to understand all of that, and forgive myself for it - I vowed never to let a trauma have such an effect on me again. But what is the formula? What is the “right” way to process and overcome a trauma so that one can continue forward with their life - albeit in a new way, because there is no “normal” and certainly no “getting back” to it.

Unfortunately, processing trauma is a deeply personal journey - each and every time. Not just personal by the person, but by the event also. The path can look different for everyone, and can look different every time. However, there are, of course, general steps and strategies I would suggest (and that have worked for me) in working through a traumatic experience.

First off, one needs to acknowledge that it happened. Recognize and accept that it occurred. Our brains often want to convince us that things didn’t happen, or weren’t as bad as they seemed, or just slightly alter the reality of things, but it is essential to healing to acknowledge what happened.

Secondly, and I feel very strongly about this, seek some sort of professional help. Believe me, I understand the hesitancy - the cost, the anxiety, the discomfort, but in the long run, it’s worth it, I promise. Of course, it’s rarely easy to find a mental health professional that suits your needs, but there are so many options. First off, even if you just speak to your family MD, they can help find resources to support you. There are a ton of on-line options (I’ve heard “Better Help” is a very good one). If you have a local university with a counseling program, it’s possible they have a clinic, or center, where you can get help at a very low cost because the counselors are still in training (don’t worry, they’re supervised and overseen by their professors and credited professionals). 

Thirdly, be sure you have a safe environment to feel and process what’s happened. Of course, one would hope your home would be your safe space. However, traumatic things can occur in the home, so be sure to find a new safe space - a family member's home, a friend's home, a local community space - somewhere you can feel both physically and emotionally safe.

Fourth, understand your reactions. Experiencing something traumatic can cause a plethora of emotional and physical responses, including but not limited to; anxiety, depression, flashbacks, sleep disturbance/disruptions, anger, irritability, and hyper vigilance. Understanding that these types of reactions are normal responses to trauma can reduce feelings of self-blame and confusion. 

Fifth, express your feelings. DO NOT suppress them. Oftentimes, our brains convince us that it’s safer, or healthier to ignore negative feelings. Well, our brains are wrong. It is vital that any feelings we have regarding the trauma be expressed. Whether it is through talking, writing, art, or other creative outlets, expressing our emotions externalizes the pain, preventing it from growing or multiplying. And of course, by expressing our emotions, we can begin to make sense of them.

Sixth, develop coping strategies. This might include mindfulness training, relaxation techniques (like meditating), physical activity (high or low impact), or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Coping strategies help with the day-to-day impact of trauma.

Seventh, and this one can be tricky, be sure to battle, or challenge, any negative beliefs stemming from the trauma. No matter what we were like before, trauma can absolutely distort our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. Part of processing trauma is identifying and challenging the beliefs, often with the help and support of a professional, to develop a more balanced perspective. For example, a very common response to rape is for the survivor to blame themselves and feel shame, as I did. If you allow such a narrative to live in your head, it can mislead you through life, devaluing yourself and making poor choices based on a false belief. This will also compound the trauma you’ve experienced.

Eighth, reconnect with the present. A seriously traumatic event will often force us back to the past, whether to relive the event over, or mourn over our life pre-event. There are techniques to help one stay grounded in the present and reduce the intensity of the traumatic memories. Grounding techniques I’ve either used or heard to be successful include:

5-4-3-2-1 - Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

Physical grounding - press your feet firmly on the ground, or hold a small object in your hand, and notice the connection.

Deep breathing - focus on your breath, in through your nose counting to 4, and release through your mouth counting to 4. Or, place your hand on your stomach and feel it rise and fall with your breath.

Mindfulness techniques I’ve either used or heard to be successful include:

Gratitude Practice - take a few moments each day to reflect on a few things you’re grateful for. Focusing on the positives, no matter how small, can bring your attention to the present moment and help shift your mindset.

Body Awareness - as you move throughout the day, pay attention to your body’s sensations. Feel your feet as they hit the ground, or notice how the cup feels in your hand when you go to drink. Continuous awareness helps maintain focus on the here and now.

Meditation - Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and focus on sending compassion and kindness to yourself, then to loved ones, acquaintances, and eventually to all living beings.

Ninth, and one that can be the most challenging, be patient with yourself, the process, and time. Unfortunately, healing from trauma is not simple, nor linear. It takes time. Setbacks will likely happen, and that’s ok. It’s all a part of the journey. Think of it like a wave in the ocean - just ride it out. You’ll eventually get to shore.

And last but not least, coming in a tenth, build a support system. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can provide a sense of understanding, validation, and hope. Whether you join a support group, rely on friends and/or family, or reach out to a stranger online who’s shared their experience (like me), having a community supporting you will only help you feel safer and stronger.

I think the most important aspect in healing from trauma is to recognize that it’s not about erasing it. That’s absolutely impossible. We have to integrate it into our lives in a way that allows for healing and growth. It’s a journey that doesn’t follow a clear and straight path. It requires time, patience, and self-compassion. It’s as though we need to reconnect to ourselves. While there may be days when the weight of trauma feels overwhelming, healing is possible, one small step at a time. Healing is not about forgetting; it’s about embracing the resilience within, creating new definitions of safety, and learning to live fully again.

It took me over twenty years to finally come to a healthy place in my healing journey from the rape. I refuse to allow this most recent event to set me back in any way. And not just this stupid car accident, but everything that’s happened in the last while. Two very important people in my life were diagnosed with cancer at the same time, and I’ve survived three serious car accidents in the last two years. This wave is a real doozy. There must have been (cause I’m hoping it’s passed) a huge storm out at sea or something. But I’m riding it as best I can, with my eyes wide open, taking in the experiences until I finally get back to shore. 

Ⓒ September 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.