It’s funny how we, as humans, all look similar, and our bodies technically work the same way (within reason), and we all come into the world the same way, and go out the same way, and yet… each person is so uniquely their own and different. This contributes to the challenges in navigating this world, both on a global scale, and in our personal lives.
Those who lean more towards the conservative side politically versus those who lean liberal. Those who believe in a higher being, and those who don’t. Those who believe hunting and/or hurting animals is murder, and those who believe in consuming them as fuel. Those who believe in bodily autonomy, and those who don’t. Those who believe in taking risks (or having adventures as they’d typically call it) versus those who prefer to keep things simple and predictable. So, what is it that creates these differences?
I’m not trying to get into a nature vs. nurture debate here. I mean, I’m terrible at science (if that’s even a thing one can be terrible at). I just mean, I don’t have much experience with it and have little to no knowledge base to aid me in understanding it. There have certainly been times where I’ve done some research and found some fascinating facts (if interested, read my blog post entitled “Never Absolutely” posted this past April) but in every shape, way, and form, I’m a feeler. It’s how I view, interpret, and travel this world. Always have, always will. But why? Was I simply born that way? Did I inherit the genes for sensitivity from someone, somewhere in my family? Or were my life experiences the deciding factor in how I receive and perceive the world? What makes me, me?
I think a lot of people follow along the lines of it being a mixture of both. What defines our identities is a combination of genetics, experiences, upbringing, beliefs, values, interests, and interactions with the world around us. It’s a complex interplay between nature and nurture, shaping our personalities, thoughts, and behaviors. It’s fascinating and exciting (imo), but also allows for a lot of room for misunderstandings, misinterpretations, disagreements, debates, miscommunications, and more.
Five people can be in a room where something as simple as a conversation between two of the people can take place, and there are at least five different experiences of it. Here’s an (fictitious) example: Lara, Joe, Jane, Will, and Tara are in the office break room when Tara and Joe strike up a conversation about how they passed their respective weekends. Somehow, Tara offends Joe.
Jane’s perspective:
Jane was having a good day, and observed the interaction between Tara and Joe closely. Having known Tara for years, she knew that Tara’s direct communication style might sometimes come across as blunt. She understood that Tara’s intentions were rarely malicious. She also had insight into Joe’s past, knowing he was sensitive to criticism due to childhood experiences. She saw Joe’s reaction as a reflection of his own insecurities rather than Tara’s intentions.
Joe’s perspective:
Joe woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and had a crappy commute to work. He grew up in a critical household, and often interpreted comments as personal attacks. He felt a pang of hurt when Tara mentioned her weekend plans, which he had misunderstood as a comparison to his own. His past experiences had made him hypersensitive to perceived slights. His reaction to Tara’s words was driven by his deep-seated fear of rejection.
Lara’s perspective:
Lara hadn’t slept well the night before, having a small child at home sick with a fever. She felt guilty having to leave the child with a friend so she could go to work. A close friend of Joe, she was aware of his sensitivity and had often seen him misinterpret innocent remarks as insults. However, she also knew Tara well and realized that Tara was generally straightforward in her communication. She saw the situation as a misunderstanding rooted in differing communication styles. She wished that both Tara and Joe could better understand each other’s approaches, but also that Tara would learn to mind her tone and choice of words when speaking to others.
Will’s perspective:
Will, a neutral observer, had a limited history with both Tara and Joe. However, his ex-wife had always been critical of him throughout their marriage, and he was currently experiencing an awful and messy divorce and custody battle in the court system. Unconsciously, this contributed to a bias in seeing most women as conniving and condescending. Therefore, he believed Tara was outwardly rude and out of line with Joe, believing Joe had every right to get as angry as he did.
Tara’s perspective:
Tara, known for her candidness, was surprised by Joe’s reaction. She had no intention of offending him and was simply sharing her weekend plans. In her own history, she valued open dialogue and had grown up in an environment where directness was the norm. There was never mincing of any words or superficial talk. Still, she was often misunderstood and it frustrated her, believing it contributed to her lack of many friends and feeling lonely. She was immediately perplexed by Joe’s sensitivity and felt the need to defend herself when he grew angry so quickly.
See how everyone’s personal experiences and feelings come into play regarding their perspectives? This is why eyewitness accounts are so unreliable. I myself am guilty of embellishing certain aspects of a story when relaying it. I don’t mean to, it’s just the way my brain is wired. I tend to use language that amplifies the emotions I feel during the experience, even if it changes the actual language or actions that took place.
For example, I had an experience with a science teacher (way back in the day) that caused quite a stir. In short, I always felt stupid in school. One day, in science, after being taught how to transcribe data into a chart, I was very confused. The teacher walked me through it and I felt I understood. I worked on the project for some time alone in class, and felt such pride when I informed the teacher I was done. I walked over to his desk, showed him my work (with what I remember being a big smile of pride on my face). He reviewed it and clearly, I didn’t do it correctly. I’m sure I don’t remember what he said to me, but his words hurt my feelings (and my ego) so much, I felt betrayed. Devastated… (I know… dramatic much?). But I did. He was supposed to be my guide, the adult I could rely on to support me and help me to get to the right answers. Instead, he communicated frustration and disappointment. So, I lost my shit and called him an ass hole. Things only escalated from there. I think I eventually got suspended. Anyway, like I said, I don’t remember exactly what he said to me, but I know when I relayed the story to my mother, I wanted her to understand how upset, embarrassed, and hurt I was. Even now, my brain is telling me he said something along the lines of “How do you not get this yet? I’ve shown you and wasted enough time showing you already.” Did he actually say that? Likely not, unless he really was an ass hole and didn’t care about his students. But he may as well have. Being so sensitive though, I don’t think it took much for people to offend, hurt, betray, or devastate me when I was younger. That’s probably why people called me dramatic. But I wasn’t aiming to be. I wasn’t seeking attention. I just felt so lost, lonely, unworthy, stupid, and so much more. I desperately wanted to feel smart, and worthy, and valued. Anyway… I’m ranting. Sorry.
I think I started writing this post because I wanted to write about how our personal bias, experience, and logic is what brings out our reactions to things ALL THE TIME. There are no exceptions. And, in my opinion, a really good person can stop and reflect on what is bringing on that reaction before thrusting it out onto another person/people. And another sign of a really good person, is having patience and allowing someone space to react. Having empathy for the fact that their initial reaction may have nothing to do with you, or the situation at all.
I have, and will, make choices that may not make sense to someone else. So will you. And those choices may cause them stress, hurt, or concern, but honest, patient, and real dialogue needs to happen in order to get past those issues. A need to understand that you’re reacting based on your genetics, experiences, upbringing, beliefs, values, interests, and interactions with the world around you. As am I, and the two are not the same. I think it was hardest for me to learn and practice this as a parent. It’s so easy to think, if not believe, that our children will see and experience the world as we see and experience it. But such is not the way. And the relationships with my children only grew stronger and better once I adopted this approach and understanding. The relationships with my husband, siblings, and even my staff improved also. I’m not trying to preach. I think it’s obvious that what works for me, may not work for you, if not just for the many reasons I list in this blog post alone. But, it’s funny to think that in difference is where we can meet and become friends. In difference, not indifference, is where we can obtain better understanding and perhaps attain kindness and a better world. But I don’t know… these are just my thoughts. What do you think?
Ⓒ August 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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