I’d like to continue to examine the list from Hector and the Search for Happiness.
#3. “Many people only see happiness in their future.”
When I was with my son’s biological father, things between us, in our life as a couple, were rarely good. We fought a lot. There was a lot of tension and anxiety on my part. It was all around, not a healthy relationship. One of the most common questions I’ve gotten about that part of my life, including one I’ve asked myself time and time again, is… why were you with him? Or, why did you stay with him? It’s never a simple answer. But, if I had to try and simplify it as much as possible, I think one of the easier ways is to say that I got really good at telling myself, it’ll get better when…
It’ll get better when he starts his new job…
It’ll get better when the car is fixed…
It’ll get better when he pays off that loan…
Etc. Etc.
It was a dangerous slope because it took me a long time to recognize, or see, the pattern. I didn’t even realize I was telling myself such things until too much time had passed.
For some reasons, we humans (at least most of us) are afraid of change. Perhaps our brain takes the saying “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” a little too seriously. Change is hard. And scary. And despite the fact that there were many reasons for me to end the relationship, I was somehow constantly finding reasons not to. But, believing, and making such sayings as “it’ll get better when” your mantra, is truly a disservice. When we fall into such habits, it allows us to disassociate from the present and simply believe in, or look forward to, a different future. And the truth is, it’s unlikely to be a better future, because of the pattern we’ve created, or allowed to persist.
And to be honest, I think too many people fall into that pattern. Believing, or telling themselves such things as, it’ll get better when…
I retire
I get a pay raise
I get a new iPhone
I sell my house
I move
I’ve lived in that pattern, and have recognized it in many others. And I believe that’s what this list item means - to deny the issues in the present and believe better is just around the corner. But the reality is, we have to face what’s in our present in order to make ourselves happy. We can’t simply deny issues in hopes that they go away. Perhaps there is a chance you will be happier once you retire, but it won’t ever look exactly like you picture it. It will likely still come with its own issues. And, truth be told, if your brain is already used to focussing on the negative (because you’ve always told yourself it’ll get better when, therefore proving that you’re focussed on the negative), it’ll find the negative to focus on once you retire, or reach whatever goal you’d set on.
I remember years ago, I was working in the restaurant field as a server. I worked there for a few years and though a part of me loved it, once it had become routine and predictable, I found reasons not to love it anymore - the pay isn’t great, the customers can be awful, the hours suck, etc. So, I convinced myself to get an office job. I was convinced that my life would simply get better once I worked a regular nine to five, had simple tasks to complete, and would be in a nice quiet office. I landed a job with the federal government as an administrative assistant. The hours were Monday to Friday, eight to four, and the tasks I was responsible for were simple and clear. One would think it was all I’d hoped for. Unfortunately, within a very short amount of time, I found I was bored, tired of the same routine day in and day out, and frustrated with the simplicity of it all. Truth was, I hated it. And yet, somehow I’d convinced myself it would be the answer to all my prayers. I’d believed that happiness was in my future, rather than focussing on making it a part of my present.
This is how I interpret list item number three. And I’m not quite sure what the answer is. In fact, I don’t believe there is just one answer. I’m 41 and am still struggling to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. It’s such a large and looming stressor and point in our lives, isn’t it? I can remember as young as six years old being asked what I want to be when I grow up. It’s such a hyper-focused issue for most, if not all, of our lives. Rarely does it solve the riddle of finding happiness though… Something to think about.
I guess, when thinking about this list item… I believe it is trying to encourage the reader NOT to focus on the future, but to focus on the present and what very little we have within our control during it. We have so much less control than we often think, but we do have some control. We can control our thoughts, our behavior, what we do, what we give our efforts to, and how we treat others. Maybe if we focus on the things we do have control over, those we don’t won’t overpower and mislead us. It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?
Ⓒ February 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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