#7 It’s a mistake to think that happiness is the goal
If happiness is the goal… if we focus on how to be happy all the time by targeting the quick and immediate pleasures instead of the big or long-term picture, do we miss out on true happiness? Do we forgo living a meaningful life?
Asking someone if they’re happy can be a confusing question. Though the answer can be confusing too. Are you asking me if I’m happy right now, at this moment? Or, are you asking me if I’m happy overall with life? Even feeling happy can be confusing. I’ve found myself, at times, watching a sad movie, or hearing sad news about someone else, but feeling happy because I’m not in that situation. For example, whenever I see a character lose her husband in a film, I feel sad, but I am also happy when I look over at my husband and can thank the stars (and beyond) that I have him, that we have each other, that we have the love we have. But that’s momentary, right? I mean, deep down, there is always an underlying happiness, or gratitude for my husband, but it’s not at the surface of my feelings all the time. And how is it that I can find a sense of happiness when I watch/learn/hear/discover the hardship or sadness of someone else? Logically, it doesn’t make sense to me! But, I digress.
If we’re talking about the fleeting moments versus true happiness that lasts, we need to define the two.
Happiness as a goal often means we focus on the pleasures and experiences that provide us with immediate elation. For example, singing in front of a live audience (for me - I realize not every person would enjoy it). I am so freakin’ happy when I’m performing in front of an audience. I feel so alive. Fantastic energy is bursting from every pore of my body. I feel like I’m on cloud nine, on top of the world, ready to take on whatever comes my way. But it’s not sustainable. And for more reasons than one might think. Not only is it not sustainable for me to perform for more than 3-4 hours at a time, but even to do so everyday would be exhausting, and sooner or later, it would likely lose its appeal. One of the many reasons I love performing live so much is because I don’t get to do it as often as I’d like. There’s no guarantee that if I were somehow able to manifest a life in which I got to perform regularly, I would still derive the same love and happiness from it. That’s the tricky thing about being human, as mentioned in previous posts (including “Get Out of My Way” from this past January) we often get in the way of our own happiness.
I think that’s why we have the saying - money can’t buy happiness (as examined in the earlier post in February, Power & Money) because we often equate it to simply being able to afford to do more fun things, and not work, and being able to afford the extras we always wish we could have when we can’t, etc. But it can’t buy the feeling or reality of finding true purpose or meaning in life. It can certainly buy the time needed to pursue them, but I digress.
We’ve examined fleeting moments of happiness, but what of true happiness that lasts? What is that? What does it mean?
I think true happiness derives from the efforts required to find purpose and meaning to our lives - cultivating meaningful relationships, continued personal growth, and a sense of contributing to something greater than ourselves. This can come from a plethora of things including but not limited to; the journey of self-discovery, as long as one doesn’t get so lost on their journey they never find their own feet but continue searching through others’, but that’s for another post. Making meaningful connections with people - Now, that doesn’t mean intense, or deep, or even long-term. You can have a connection with someone for just a few seconds, or for many years, it’s all dependent on the meaning behind it. I remember at work once, a young mother trying to eat her lunch after having fed her toddler, but the toddler wasn’t having it. It kept pulling at her, screaming at her, whining, tossing things onto the floor - nothing would soothe this child other than taking its mother away from its feeding. I could see the young mother struggling, wishing she could just have a few moments to simply eat her lunch. After some time, I could see she was giving up. I wanted so desperately to help her - to offer to hold and/or entertain her child while she ate, but it wasn’t realistic for me to do so. So, I offered to package and bag her food for her so she could tend to her child and get ready to leave. We barely exchanged a word, all that needed to be said was said in our eyes and body language - my empathy and understanding, her thanks and exhaustion. All in all, the interaction took only a few minutes, but here I am, years later, and I remember it. And perhaps she does too. That’s meaningful. That contributes to who I am. Pursuing passions is another thing to be cognisant of when seeking happiness. I think that’s a rather obvious one as we are all happier when we are pursuing, or acting out, our passions.
So, while seeking happiness is common and natural for us all, I would argue that making it the sole goal might limit personal growth. And I think that’s what this list item is trying to say. Embracing a meaningful life with purpose and fulfillment could offer a more holistic perspective.
Ⓒ March 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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