I am so frustrated right now. My husband and I have been working and contributing to the economy since we were 15 years old (perhaps he was 16, I can’t remember, but you get my drift). I have NEVER been without a job, ever, in my life. If I wasn’t earning a steady income, I was working towards building one as an entrepreneur or artist.
My husband was a small business owner for almost 20 years. He provided a great place to work, a great living, and a great community for up to ten people (perhaps more) throughout the years. Even when Covid hit, and the business was losing money, and he was having to take out ridiculous loans to keep it alive, his first priority was ensuring his staff were ok. I’m almost 100% certain, if you were to speak to any of them, they’d tell you he was a great boss. And don’t even get me started on the amount of taxes we had to pay to the government over the years for that business. One word, astronomical. And that was on top of our regular income taxes, and all the other taxes we fucking pay in this country.
We are now 40, and the want to need to work less (which I will call retirement for ease of this post) feels like it shouldn’t be too far off for us. (Side note - what I mean by the need to work less: I can’t ever picture myself fully retiring or not working. I enjoy working, keeping busy, and having purpose every day. What I mean is living a part of my life where the NEED to work is less. Either my cost of living has gone down, or my income has gone up, and I don’t need to work 40 hours (or more) a week just to get by). And what I mean by not far off is 15-20 years. Some might say that’s not close at all, but it is. Having lived 40 years now, and worked 25 of them, it’s a lot closer than you think. But I digress… it’s in the forefront of our minds, especially with both kids now on their own, and I just don’t see how we’re going to be able to afford to continue to live in Canada.
The cost of living has gotten so freakin’ high here, we’re making it by, but saving is nearly impossible. And we’re in a much better situation than so many others. We have jobs. We have assets. We have support. I seriously cannot imagine what others, less fortunate, struggling harder, dealt shitter hands, etc. Etc. are feeling like. I myself, am feeling betrayed. Almost like a hurt and anger that I can’t pinpoint. I feel a huge disappointment, and I’m not sure if it’s in/for myself, or for those who I trusted and told me to follow certain formulas and all would be ok. Don’t get me wrong, I know I didn’t follow the formula precisely, if at all. But still, I had faith that if I worked hard, if I wanted it badly enough, if I had faith, and shed blood, sweat, and tears, it would be ok. Well, today, it doesn’t feel ok.
It feels as though I’ve been walking uphill for the entirety of my life. Each peak I see, I believe that on the other side of it, I’ll finally find relief in the beginning of the downhill part. But instead, I’m met with another peak, and another, and yet another. It’s never ending. With daily expenses continually on the rise (and a dramatic rise at that), it feels like a never-ending battle with stress and anxiety. It is so disheartening to feel as though you’ve been working hard your whole life only to realize it was just to help you survive, not thrive. We’ve reached a point where we, like many others, are exploring the option of leaving our home in order to find a better quality of life. How crazy is that?
Don’t get me wrong, moving to another country would be an adventure. And it’s actually one I’ve always dreamed of. And there are many reasons why the idea of it excites me and is very welcoming. However, to think that I HAVE to leave my home? I grew up in Canada. I was born here. And we have a reputation as one of the best countries in the world, for many reasons. And I understand some of those reasons. I understand why people all over the world wish to move here. But in having such a reputation, such a strong pull, you’d think that would mean we could take care of those who live here.
And please don’t mistake that as my pining for a government that cares for me in such a way that I don’t need to work, or earn money. That’s not what I mean at all. But you’d think there would be systems and structures in place to ensure people (no matter who they are) can afford to live and thrive here. But it seems everywhere I turn, there is a ton of red tape, which costs an abundant amount of money to break through, or pay off. It seems even the “cheaper” areas one could afford to live in, still come at a high cost.
And I’m not looking to start a debate about which generation had it better or worse. The truth is, I don’t care about the past generations in relation to this conversation. I’m dealing with, and facing this reality, now. As are so many others. And what about the next generations? If I’m finding this a difficult reality, am I to believe it’s going to somehow get miraculously better for the next? Or the one after that? I mean, I’d like to think there are greater minds in the next generations who will find a solution to a lot, if not all, of these problems, but there’s no real way of knowing, is there?
I think a lot of my frustration stems from the reality that I have no fucking clue what to do to remedy the situation, for myself, my children, or any future generations. And just to make a quick point, there is a part of me that’s angry that I don’t have the knowledge and understanding to even attempt to try and find a solution because I could never afford to go to school! But I digress…
Growing up, everything around me told me that hard work pays off. My parents, probably my grandparents (if they’d ever taken the time to have a relationship with me), my teachers, movies, television, all forms of media really, celebrities, coaches…. Am I missing anyone? My whole life I was encouraged to work hard because hard work pays off. And I guess one could argue… I’m alive. I’m healthy. I have a roof over my head. I have a healthy family. I live in a safe place. I have access to food, and all other necessities to survive. So what’s my problem? Isn’t that enough? It should be, shouldn’t it?
I think my anger is looking for someone to blame. I could blame the generations before mine - for fucking up the economy and worsening capitalism. I could blame the government - for taxing me into a lower income bracket than I should be, and overspending, and for how all politicians seem to be completely and utterly full of shit with no genuine concern or care for the welfare of the actual people in this country. I could blame movies and television - for pushing unrealistic desires, wishes, and goals onto me through a form of entertainment that perpetuated unrealistic and twisted realities, encouraging me to believe in the rare and unlikely, rather than facing reality. I could blame marketing - for doing much of the same as movies and television, constantly selling me a reality that doesn’t exist for anyone but perhaps the 1%. I could blame our education system - for instructing and teaching me how to follow and become a lemming, rather than to innovate and lead my own path - and for making me feel as though I was a failure all the time. I could blame the 1% - for hoarding so much of the money in the world and living an existence that is so foreign to the rest of the human race, they can’t even pretend to understand and therefore care about it. Again, I could blame the education system - for being so expensive and ridiculous that I can’t afford to better myself and make myself of a higher value in this capitalist society so I can have a higher earning potential. I could blame capitalism - for shifting our society to worshiping the almighty dollar over human kind, human decency, and connection. Also, for perpetuating the reality that all that I love to do has no worth or value in this society because more often than not, I can’t get paid for it. I could blame my parents - for not doing more to help secure a stronger foundation in my start into an adult life on my own. I could blame the patriarchy - for perpetuating ideals that allow others to believe I have less value, intelligence, and power. I could blame the banks - for being the legal thieves that they are. I could blame the CEO’s - for caring more about profits and their bonuses, than the lives of everyday people working to survive. The list could likely go on and on. And of course, I could blame myself - for some of the choices I made that led me here. - for being naive and gullible enough to believe that I could be one of the one-in-a-million who make it as an artist. - for believing I wasn’t smart enough to understand economics, money, finances, and anything to do with numbers or math. - for always striving for more than what I actually am: a normal person with normal capabilities, who should have found a normal and secure job filled with normal activities but would provide me with a pension and security. The list for blaming myself could go on and on too.
So what of it all now? What’s a 40 year old girl, working a barely above minimum wage job, still overflowing with creativity and passion, to do? What’s anyone to do, really?
There’s a part of me that wants to escape. I wish so much that I could afford a plot of land somewhere, of decent size. I could start a farm, not a commercial one, nor industrial, just a small farm to sustain my life. Big enough to provide what I need to survive. I know I’d get a lot more satisfaction working (and I know it would be really working) to sustain and survive for myself, rather than working a shit ton and hard for someone else to make a much better living than I. I mean, think of how much land is not being used out there because we’ve all bought into this idea that we need to be in a major city to thrive, especially here in Canada. But isn’t that where we came from? Isn’t that what society used to be? Before capitalism? Before big corporations and CEO’s and massive banks? I think I remember learning that in school. And also learning that we’ve evolved since then. The parents who were farmers, mothers and housewives wished so much more for their children - a life with less body breaking labor, a life of ease. And that’s what brought us here? A parents hope and wish for an easier life for their children. And perhaps that came true for theirs. Or perhaps even their grandchildren? I don’t know. But it seems that hope and wish is no longer attainable, doesn’t it? It seems it’s been perverted or somehow ruined moving forward. Is this really evolution? Perhaps we should be going back to more small farms. Perhaps we don’t ALL need to be contributing to this giant capitalist society? I know it’s not that simple. But in my current frame of mind, it kinda is. But as I said, I am so frustrated right now…
Ⓒ June 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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