When faced with choices, it’s always hard to know what the right thing to do is. It doesn’t seem to matter what it’s regarding; parenting, what to wear, whether to take a job or quit a job, whether to end a relationship or not. Even when we think we may have figured out the answer, there still remains the task of figuring out how.
And there’s always oodles of advice to find about anything and everything in this day and age. Friends, family, colleagues, the internet… have at it, there’s a plethora of choices. Before that, it was societal norms and expectations that guided us. Back in the day it was ‘damn your comfort or needs, this is what is expected of you’. What to wear, how to behave in public, what words you could or could not use, what activities or jobs were acceptable, etc. The pendulum swung very much the other way. Even when I was growing up, I could feel some of the societal pressures. How to behave in certain situations, or what I could and could not say or express felt very limited and controlled. Truth is, I desperately wanted to rebel against it all. I felt constricted, as though wrapped in a mummy costume, too tight. But as I grew up, as a youth, I could feel those wraps loosening. The consequences of the rebellious groups from the past, the hippies, the women’s libbers, the civil rights activists, their work had payed off. Rigid expectations and norms were disappearing. All of those paved the way for scientists of all kinds to research more into human behaviour. Not only the why we do what we do, but how it affects our psyche’s. Some would say now is the more liberated time ever. And some would say that’s why our societies, our communities, have fallen to shit.
Interestingly enough though, when I think about it, I get easily confused. Perhaps each generation, each person has always felt, and will always feel, restricted and controlled by the one before them. Perhaps we’re doomed to have each generation feel, vehemently, like they must be different than those previous, in hopes to be better. And yet where does it all go once they’ve grown? It seems a lot of the hippies have disappeared after their movement. Perhaps they lived their hippy lives for a short time, but then most became integrated into mainstream society, or ‘sold out’ and became a part of the materialistic, all-around consuming zombies we seem to be overrun with now. At least, they were, and perpetuated them by having families and raising them in that culture.
That makes me think of one of my favorite lyrics - “Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?” (Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd) I believe Waters wrote that song about/for former bandmate Syd Barrett. But to me, it meant exchanging a role of value and worth for one that appears more glorious, perhaps even more free, but ends up being a cage. For example, being a loving parent and member of a community, but then, due to the demands and energy required from a corporate job, those other roles, though more meaningful, begin to suffer. Isn’t that the perfect example of the terrible dichotomy that is knowing what is right versus feeling what is right. One likely feels being a good parent is, of course, much more important than being a good employee. However, in order to be able to provide a good life as a parent, one must earn an income. And of course, the world (social media, general media and marketing) tells us that the more income we have, the more freedom we’ll gain. So… what is the right thing to do?
Some would answer, find/do a job you love… something that doesn’t drain your energy and demand too much of you. But what if the job you love requires just that? What if you love, perhaps even thrive off of, politics? The law? Caring for others? Those are not jobs one can simply clock in and out for an 8 hour shift, and then go home. And what about artists? In order to try and be successful (read make an income, not stardom/fame) one has to work at it for endless hours. And not simply in creating the art, but in attempting to get it out there for people to consume also. So, not only is it time consuming, but that’s even before one can garner an income from it. And if we attempt to examine the other side of the coin… Once an artist has been discovered, the amount of work it takes to stay relevant, or even just the belief that one must ride the success as much as they can for it can be so fleeting, sets a lot of pressure to work overtime also. And what about athletes? Their ‘life span’ in being able to perform is such a short window. I could go on and on.
I remember, I was forced to leave a job that I was really enjoying. I can’t say loved, as there were many aspects that I did not in fact love. But, I enjoyed the work, was meeting great people, and was good at what I was doing. I honestly believed the job would open up other exciting doors also. But, I digress. I was forced to leave under quite terrible terms. Let’s just say, I would have had the right to sue for wrongful termination. I also had the means to blow up the organizations reputation with some of my knowledge. But there was no question in my mind - that would NOT be the right thing to do. Still, I was torn in how to respond to the termination. But the organization was smart. They knew what power I held and therefore dangled a sum of money at me to encourage me to be quiet. Clearly, they also knew what power they held. I was so very torn. I tossed and turned over it. Taking ‘hush money’ did NOT feel right. However, I was now out of work. Who knew how long it would take me to find gainful employment again? Despite how I felt about it, I accepted the pay off. I was told, time and time again, by so many, including the left side of my brain - it was the right thing to do. But was it?
All in all, I began writing this because I often feel torn between what IS right, and what FEELS right. I’m an empath. I’m a cancer. I am a deeply feeling person. Even my memory works on feelings. I rarely remember facts - dates, times, details. But, how I feel is engrained in me for life. When I recall memories, I can feel just as I did in that moment, despite not remembering what was said, or even what happened in detail. Feeling is my engine, my source, my guide. What I feel, and how I make others feel, is more important to me than almost anything. But is that right? Is it wise? All I know is, when I reflect on past dealings, situations, conversations, or decisions, I can go back and remember what I was feeling then, and therefore how it lead me to take what action I took. If I didn’t have that. If I wasn’t able to understand myself and my actions, I don’t know what that would do. I feel it’s what makes me who I am. And perhaps, naively, I believe others do the same and perhaps that’s why I can respect their choices, even if they’re miles or worlds away from my own. Is that naive? I don’t know. I guess it comes down to living with oneself. How do you make choices? How do you live with them afterward?
Ⓒ January 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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