Learner/Teacher

My daughter and I have lived vastly different lives. Her reality is much more stable with a strong foundation underneath her that I never felt I‘ve had. This has led to some interesting differences in us. Some of those differences have led to confusion, hurt, upset and countless misunderstandings. Now that she’s nearly an adult, applying for universities and readying to take on the world on her own, I was fearful, not knowing how it would affect our relationship. I was afraid she wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t done enough for her. Perhaps I had even failed her in ways. However, she allowed me to read her short essays for her applications and, not only did the action of allowing me to read them warm my heart, but there was a specific section that almost made me cry.

She was asked to write about something important to her and her answer was not only intelligent, but also wise. She could’ve easily responded with such things as; friends and family, having goals, perseverance, determination, hope, etc. All good and wonderful answers. But no, she surprised me and wrote about self-love. She wrote about believing in and loving oneself and how it allows one to navigate the world with more confidence. It grants the freedom of taking risks, knowing that you’ll be alright in the end because should the risk not work out, you’ll still have yourself and the ability to try again.

When a person struggles with self-love, takes a risk, and then has it blow up in some way, their inner dialogue tells them how it was their fault, or what they should’ve done differently, or how they’ve failed or deserved it. I’ve seen my daughter navigate some sticky situations and she’s always been sure of herself. She’s never denied her role or responsibility, but she’s never blamed herself, or told herself she deserved it. And I’ve always admired that about her. In fact, a part of me envied her because I couldn’t understand how she did it.

When I finished reading the essay, I think my ego felt stroked. I thought there might be a chance she learned the importance of self-love from me. From the day she was born, I worked tirelessly to instil the importance of it in her, even though I myself struggled with it. I didn’t want, and still don’t want, either of my children to suffer from low self-esteem or self-worth. Struggling with either/both can feel like a prison. It‘s a prison I locked myself in years ago and still struggle to get out of. Though I’ve broken the lock, opened the door, and stepped out many times, I still find myself back in that cage too often. I wanted my children to not only feel loved by me and their family and friends, but also themselves. I wanted them to know they had value, just for being alive. I wanted them to feel secure and safe enough in their self love they could navigate the world without too much fear. I believe all loving parents want that for their children, but there’s never been a recipe card to instruct us on how do it.

As I read her words, it felt as though I could feel the reach of the stars coming down to pat me on the head, telling me what a good mother I’d been. However, upon further reflection, I don’t know if that’s true. And it’s unfair of me to assume that it is. I certainly did the best I can, but I can’t be certain what instilled the value of self-love in my daughter. And, I’ll never really know the truth of it. But that’s not important. The fact that she clearly understands it and practices it is. And who knows? Maybe she was meant to teach me.