Let Go

She couldn’t tell if it was real or not. She’d felt these feelings so many times in her life, and her subconscious had reflected them back to her in dreams so often, she couldn’t tell if she was asleep or awake. But she felt angry, and scared. She thought she could hear and feel her heart beating rapidly, but couldn’t discern if that was real either. She suddenly heard a door slam and knew, she was in that place in between asleep and awake. She could hear her husband getting ready for work. That was real. She toyed with the idea of allowing him to see that she was awake, but decided against it. She was still angry. And not from the dreams.

When she heard him drive away from the house, she threw the covers off and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling. It was that time again, time to discern dream from reality. It took her a bit of time, but she finally got her bearings. Much of the sadness she was still feeling from her dream, disappeared. But the anger remained. It was real.

She sat up to reflect on the last few days. Yes, she’d been upset but she felt she’d remained calm and kind throughout the struggle of sorting through her feelings. He however, had not. In the last two days alone, he’d lashed out in anger three times, seemingly out of nowhere, and for no good reason. She’d tried to support him, but as per usual, nothing she’d done seemed good enough. She pushed her mind to go a little further back in memory and found similar occurrences. There were a lot of them. When she pushed her mind to search even deeper, even further, there were even more of them. Clearly, there was a pattern.

She’d known it. She’d even called him on it in the past, but they both worked overtime to convince her that it was acceptable, no big deal, that each occurrence was an isolated incident and therefore no reason good enough to end the marriage existed. But now, as she sat alone in their bed, she wondered, when is it deemed unacceptable? When and how does it become a big deal? What is a good enough reason to end a marriage?

She’d been in other relationships with angry people. Once with a man wherein incidents occurred daily. Her husband was nothing like that, was he? Yes, he had a volatile temper, but the times in between eruptions could sometimes be months. But does that make it better, or worse?

She couldn’t take the yo-yoing anymore. Jumping from feeling completely safe and loved to loathed and a nuisance was taking too much of a toll on her. Even if he didn’t mean it, she couldn't let it continue. She desperately wanted to ask him to leave, at least for a trial separation. Perhaps being on his own for a month or more would help him to find the root of his issues. Perhaps he’d discover some form of happiness, even if it were on his own. Though the idea saddened her immensely, it also brought relief. For that’s all she truly wanted, was for him to find happiness. And clearly, after fifteen years, he wasn’t going to find it with her. For the first time, she felt no responsibility for that. In the past, she would have. She would’ve felt a failure as a wife and partner. But now, she knew she’d done all that she could. The patience, individual therapy, couples therapy, self-help books, videos and ted talks - all on healthy relationships, including the one with yourself. So much on self-growth, vulnerability, empathy, kindness, and more. And as helpful and enlightening as each had been, she still couldn’t help but wonder why she was seemingly the only one putting in a constant effort.

So what now, she wondered. The fight they’d had the night before still didn’t make any sense to her. It had seemed so small and insignificant to the point where she’d thought it had been resolved. They’d continued watching their movie and all seemed okay. But when the movie ended, he was livid. He didn’t even want to look at her, or be in the same room as her. When she’d tried to pursue the issue in gentle conversation, nothing said was taken that way. He jumped at her and quickly got mean. ‘I’m done’, he’d said. ‘I’m leaving’, he’d said and then yelled at her to leave him alone. She’d tried. She’d tried very hard to leave him alone and occupy her mind with other things, but she couldn’t help it. Not understanding what had made him so angry, and hearing what he’d said, her mind began to swim. Waves of terrifying thoughts began flooding her mind; what if he leaves, where would I go, can I afford to live here, if not what kind of apartment can I afford, how will the kids be affected, what will people say, etc. She sat in her room meditating, trying to calm her mind, lessen the intensity of her feelings, but she’d failed. And when she’d heard him downstairs, her heart quickened, thinking he was leaving. So she ran down and asked him. He told her no. She wanted to continue giving him space. She went back to their room and continued to try and breathe, but as more time passed, she wondered why he wasn’t coming to bed. So she went back down, approached him calmly, and tried to engage in conversation. But his responses and attacks were so sharp and heavy. When they hit, she couldn’t get out from underneath them. She tried to listen as he attacked her, tried to give him his space, but his words were so hurtful and upsetting.

She’d finally had to go. She couldn’t be in the same house with him, not when the only method of communication he insisted on was so damaging and destructive. And she knew, even if she begged for him to stop, it would get worse. He’d get meaner. That’s what he did. What he always did.

She hadn’t even been crying. And sitting on the corner of their street, she still hadn’t shed a tear. What should she understand that to mean? Was it time to let go?

Ⓒ October 2019. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.