Making Comparisons

Have you ever seen the movie “Hector and the search for Happiness”? Or perhaps you’ve read the book. I’ve seen the movie a few times now. I thoroughly enjoy it, and not just because I think both Simon Pegg and Rosamund Pike are geniuses. Oh, Toni Colette too. But in all seriousness, the story is fantastic. Now, I haven’t made the opportunity to read the book yet, but I will. Anyway, why am I asking? Well, in the story, while Hector is on his search for happiness, he creates a list. A kind of do’s and don’ts, if you will for being happy. After watching it the last time, I thought I’d look up that list, so I did. I reviewed it and I’ve found, days later, I’m still examining and reflecting on it. So, I decided to write out my thoughts and feelings about it. And since I’m doing that, why not share it on my blog. 

There are 23 items on the list and I suppose it’s best to start at the beginning.

#1. “Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.”

Honestly, that bodes so true for me. I feel like almost the entirety of my childhood and youth was spent comparing myself to others. Other kids and teens always seemed to have happier families than mine. They seemed to get a lot more fun out of activities that were simply ‘meh’ to me. But they shouldn’t have been. I look back on those years and wish so much I’d simply understood how to live in the moment, to enjoy what I had, and have fun because, little did I know, being an adult would soon suck the fun out of a lot more. As a parent too, I don’t know how many times I told my children to enjoy being a kid as much as they could, for as long as they could, and to take advantage of all the opportunities available to them as a child, because they wouldn’t be there as an adult. I guess, in a way, I was comparing their childhood to my own, albeit to try and be helpful. But then, in comparing the two, I was still reflecting on my childhood with sadness and regret! I guess it’s a lot harder not to make comparisons than we’d like to think.

And what about social media? Perhaps it was originally created to allow for more, or better, communication and connection, but in all honesty, I’ve even caught myself in moments looking at someone else’s reel, even a complete strangers, and wishing I had what they had, or could do what they do. I’m not saying all social media is bad. There are reasons to enjoy it. I enjoy obtaining inspiration from it. I love watching other women create and build things! I NEVER saw that growing up. Well, never is a strong word, but it was rare. Building and creating was man’s work - I’m talking about refinishing furniture, painting and designing a room, building furniture from scratch, etc. My mom is, and always has been, an amazing creator. She played piano beautifully (probably still does), creating beautiful music. She made stained glass art - from light fixtures to windows and the nativity scene for Christmas. She’s an amazing quilter. I honestly can’t get enough of her quilts! She was a drama teacher, bringing such wonder and creativity to kids across town. She was, and IS, remarkable. But to actually build furniture and finish it, turning a room into a more beautiful or functional space. That was something I’d never seen. So, as I said, I love watching those kinds of videos. I love garnering ideas that way, and feeling empowered that I can try and do it myself.

But as mentioned above, there isn’t just comparing oneself to others, there is also comparing oneself to an earlier version of oneself. But there is also the possibility of comparing ones choices or decisions. For example, I go to a restaurant and can’t decide between ordering the lasagna or the carbonara. After much contemplation, I finally decide on the lasagna. I convince myself that I have carbonara often enough and should venture out and try something new. The lasagna comes and looks delicious. But I take my first bite and am not overly impressed because in comparison to the carbonara, it just doesn’t match up. Immediately, in my experience, my brain starts chastising me for not keeping with the familiar. It berates me for choosing the less delicious choice and immediately fills me with a sense of disappointment and frustration. Now, can I very well enjoy the lasagna in any shape, way or form if I’m focussed on the difference between it and the carbonara? Of course not. Or at the very least, it would be very challenging. But instead, if I stop comparing the two, and accept the lasagna for what it has to offer on its own, I can enjoy it. If I focus on the actual lasagna in front of me, instead of comparing it to what’s not, I can find reasons to enjoy it.

Here’s another great example - do you know how many times I’ve settled, and watched those I love settle, for something that brings no value or goodness in their life because they’re comparing it to something else? Like, a good friend who’s stayed in an unhealthy relationship because comparing it to being single makes it somehow appear worthy. Or remembering the previous partner was worse so they convince themselves this one is better, when in actuality, they’re not. Do you know how frustrating that is? How much it hurts? I myself did it in the past. Went from one crappy relationship to another because I would compare it to the one before and say, well, it’s better because at least this one doesn’t cheat. Or this one doesn’t steal from me. Or this one doesn’t hit me. I mean, really??? So yet, another example of how comparisons can fail us in our search or attempts at happiness. 

Oh! And I know it did a world of good in my marriage when my husband and I stopped comparing our efforts. It can be such a slippery slope, and so easy to fall into, thinking or believing that you do more of the housework, or cooking, or child rearing. I mean, of course, if in actuality, you are doing more of something than the other, then perhaps a conversation is warranted. After all, we not only want to try and be fair, but feel valued for what we do. But the issue in comparing efforts made is that not every task, or effort, is equal to each person. But most importantly, what’s the point? What good does it do? It only breeds anger and/or resentment. I honestly feel that as soon as I stopped comparing our efforts, it changed the way I felt about and viewed our marriage in a very positive way.

I don’t know, maybe I’m speaking crazy. Maybe refusing to compare is simply denying a part of the truth. I guess it depends on what kind of perspective one wants to navigate through the world in. Do you want to be a glass half full, or half empty kinda person? And I know there are more ways than that to look at things, but I’m just trying to keep it simple for the sake of this experiment and blog. 

As for #1 on Hector's list, I think it’s a good one. Pretty wise words to live by, imo. What are your thoughts?

Ⓒ January 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.