Maybe the reason I got in an accident is because there is even more I need to learn about myself. I’m not implying that I knew myself completely before the accident. There’s always more to learn. However, the realizations I just had the other day, with the help of my neuropsychologist (NP) and social worker (SW)… have blown my mind.
My NP was kind enough to explain, in detail, the inner workings of the brain, and the effects of a brain injury, the effects of PTSD, and the effects of poor sleep on its function. I most recently suffered a brain injury, and I’ve also suffered from PTSD for almost 30 years. And in regards to poor sleep, I’ve been struggling with it since I was 8 or 9 years old.
With all of the information she gave me, my head and emotions have been spinning. I’m now questioning which, if not all of the issues I’ve struggled with since I was a child have stemmed from lack of good sleep. My memory struggles. My difficulty with emotional regulation (as a child). My challenges at school. What if it’s not all ADD? What if I don’t have challenges or difficulties I’ve been labeled with over the years and they all stem from poor sleep?
With those types of questions and concerns looming and repeating in my mind, what are my next steps? Well, it seems I have choices. Including the choice to get formally assessed by a facility or professional, to discern what I actually may or may not have in regards to challenges, disorders, etc. My only concerns are, one, just because I now know that the sleep issues could be the root of issues, doesn’t mean the effects of it have suddenly gone away. My brain developed as it is and cannot be changed. At least, I don’t think so. I’ll have to ask my NP about that. And two, will getting a new or different diagnosis really make much of a difference. If I find out it all stems from poor sleep, then what? Or if I find out I definitely do have ADD, then what?
I’ve already adjusted myself over the years to accommodate these challenges. I trained myself to stay organized, and I am a pro. I taught myself how to regulate my emotions, and I’m very good at it. I put a lot of time and effort into learning about myself and nurturing self love and confidence, and it’s definitely better, I think… (we’ll get to that in a minute). The only one I never quite got a handle on are my challenges in learning. But I’ve certainly had a moderately successful working life without it. I think… sort of. Have I?
So, what’s the issue, really? I think it’s more that I feel like I’m carrying this really heavy grief for my younger self. If all of these issues are stemming from the inability to sleep well, for whatever reason, isn’t that sad as fuck? I mean, sleep is such a simple thing. Or at least, it should be. And if it’s not, why isn’t that something we’re being taught. I’m not talking about thirty second videos or bits on social media that try to teach us. I’m talking about school. When it was finally discovered, or realized, how important sleep is, and how badly a lack of it, or a crappy version of it, can affect us, especially when we’re young and still growing and forming, why wasn’t it added into our curriculum? In my opinion, we should be teaching ways to care for ourselves and promote better sleep as early as possible. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
I guess I’m a little riled up. Like I said, I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings pulsating through my brain and heart.
In talking about all of this with my SW, I had to fill her in on a lot of my past. It was a really good, though challenging conversation. But in hearing me describe my experiences, she noticed a striking pattern - I give my power away, or look for a leader, rather than forge my own path. And she’s right. It’s glaringly obvious. And I have realized it in my own ways over the years when I think about it. I just did little to nothing about it.
In 2018, I vowed to make it the year for me. I wanted to start making my own decisions and making choices based on how I felt about them, not others. But about halfway through the year, I stopped. At least, I stopped journaling about it. And I doubt I continued consciously as here we are, it’s 2024, and I’ve regressed back to waiting for a leader to show me the way.
If you’re looking for examples, here are two big ones:
I never formed my own band but always joined someone else's.
I only pursued my screenwriting career seriously once I partnered up with someone else
Why? Why didn’t I ever simply form my own band? Why didn’t I submit my scripts myself? Why do I feel the need to submit to a ‘leader’ when I know I have strong leadership skills myself? What’s the deal?
And the truth is, I hate the answer. For most of my life, I never believed I had any fear (except for wasps, I hate those fuckers). Or at least, no glaringly obvious or incomprehensible fears. But to be fair, fear is not truly the answer, it’s only a part of it. The real answer is that I’ve never truly believed in myself. The constant rejection I’ve experienced, in so many aspects of my life, have created disbelief. They’ve fully and completely nurtured the belief that I’m not worthy enough for what I want, nor am I smart enough to get there on my own. Logically, I know differently. There is a part of me that knows I am talented enough. That knows I could do it. But in trying, I’d have to make a lot of sacrifices, which I’m ok with, but I’d have to ask others to make those sacrifices with me. Especially my husband and family. And the fear I mentioned above, is the fear that they will reject me too.
These realizations are powerful and awful and almost unbearably sad, but they’re the truth. They’re a part of me that was so deep, I didn’t even realize they were there (most of the time). I’ve done such a good job at shutting that part of me up so that when it spoke up or out, I completely ignored it.
I‘ve created so many reasons to convince myself why it wasn’t smart to pursue the things I wanted. So many excuses fabricated and then bullshit ‘evidence’ to support those excuses so I could continue letting myself down, and bottling myself up, and painting myself into the corner I seem to have now found myself.
Please understand, this doesn’t mean I’m not happy, nor was I ever. I’ve had a good life in the grand scheme of things. And where I’ve been most lucky is in love, and my children. I guess that’s why it was so hard to step forward and say what I wanted, for fear of losing the two greatest loves of my life.
I thought I was stuck because I’m currently in a wheelchair from the recent car accident, but the truth is, I’m stuck because I’ve dug myself in such a deep hole, I can barely see the sky, let alone any light anymore. That may read dramatic, but it’s the truth. It’s how I currently feel.
I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Ⓒ October 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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