I’ve been a member of a cover band for a year and a half now. Like anything, when a person joins an already established group, it takes time for all to feel fully comfortable. I feel we reached that point a few months ago. We were all talking long term plans, investing in more or better equipment, and we have gigs set up through the year until November 2023. We’ve even started getting a little following and a bit of a reputation as a really good band. To be honest, just a few short weeks ago, I thought this was a great long term venture I could see the five of us doing until we retire, get too old, physically can’t, or outgrow it for some reason.
But just a little over two weeks ago, one of the members informed us they no longer want to be in the group. Just like that! And the only explanation we received was “it’s a culmination of things I don’t want to get into”. I honestly thought I could feel my own heart, and hear the other members’ hearts break. I was shocked and truly believed it was a bad joke at first. But, at no time did they crack a smile and laughingly yell “just kidding”.
And then I was worried they’d been diagnosed with some sort of illness, debilitating or painful, or even terminal. And then I thought, perhaps their spouse or one of their children had been. My brain just kept spinning and jumping, looking for a valid reason to explain this unlikely reality. But none ever came.
I left our practice disheartened and angry. And my anger wasn’t simply directed at them, but it was triggered from past situations in which I felt abandoned. I had a parent move thousands of miles away when I was a teenager, while the other was trapped in their own grief and misery. I had a sibling who never took any interest in or care for me. Grandparents that never seemed too invested in wanting to know me in any way. Friends who’ve come and gone, with some cutting a much deeper wound than others. The kicker being though, that I had shared this vulnerability and challenge to this band member not too long ago. Specifically, we’d been talking about luck and having great people to support you. I’d shared with them that I don’t really know what that feels like.
In my experience, when it comes to things I’m good at, that I have talent in, or a desire to pursue… more often than not I’ve had individuals sabotage my efforts rather than try and help lift me up. Almost each and every time I felt I could be getting somewhere by having met someone in that industry or field, I’ve felt that sooner or later, they’ve become disgruntled against me and abandoned me, or even sabotaged me in some way.
I shared this vulnerability and fear with them. How much it hurt me and messed with my self-value and self-worth. How it’s messed with me so much because inherently, I know I’m a talented singer, songwriter, writer, and a good person. But when one continues to get burned, they begin (and continue) to question if that’s really the truth. They begin to question their own value and start asking themselves if they’re really as good as they think, or as kind as they think. It’s a terrible feeling. But I digress.
I confided this to them and then just a few weeks later, they announced they were leaving the band. Now, I fully understand that it’s possible (maybe even likely?) their leaving has absolutely nothing to do with me, but that’s not what my brain is telling me. Or my heart, really.
So I stewed, and felt anger continue to rise and grow within me. I finally had to reach out, open the dialogue, to simply try and understand and get a sense of this strange truth. I wrote them an email, stating that I was very saddened by the news but would do my very best to understand and support them. I explained that while upset, I wasn’t angry with them, but fearful their leaving was all based on a misunderstanding or miscommunication. I reached out, hoping to help them realize what value they brought to the group. I told them I loved them, that their leaving would leave a gaping hole and we would miss them. And I finished by stating I would support whatever decision they make because it is theirs to make, but I just wished I could understand. I thought it was a very well written and kind email.
I received a response the next day and it almost brought me to tears. Not only did they not acknowledge any of the feelings I’d expressed in my email, but they clearly omitted any of theirs. They simply wrote that it was in fact their decision and they wouldn’t have made it lightly because they're not stupid.
As dramatic as it may sound, I felt an even stronger sense of betrayal. For almost two years, I’d shared a good chunk of my time with this person every week. For almost two years, I’d opened myself up to them, sharing my life, my true self, and my passion with them.
Had I been lulled into a false sense of friendship? Had I created this entire relationship with them in my head? I just don’t fucking get it.
Honestly? I have never, nor will I ever, understand a person who simply abandons another without reason or explanation.
Leaving another person behind is not an act that creates finality and is irreparable. My mother left when I was a teenager and it was fucking hard. It did not make my life easier, but I don’t know that her staying would have either. I’ve been asked by many over the years, how have you forgiven her? Well, I’ll tell you how… we’ve talked about it. Almost to death. By doing so, I was able to learn about, even understand, her experience, and why she did what she did. And I was also able to express my feelings and experience about it too.
Only through discussion and sharing can understanding and growth, which will hopefully lead to healing, occur. And I am beyond grateful that my mother and I did so, and still do to this day. I am also beyond grateful because it taught me even more about empathy, understanding, compassion, communication, honesty, struggle, pain, hurt, betrayal, and so much more.
Perhaps one day, this ‘former’ band member and I will reach that point too, though I’m not very optimistic about it. But, I’d like to think, at some point over the next year or so, there will come a time when we can discuss what’s currently happening. That they will share their experience so I can understand, and I can share mine so they too can understand, and we can build from there.
I hate losing people.
I’ve lost many in my life, and very few by death.
Most of the people I have mourned and continue to mourn, are still alive. They’re out there somewhere, living a life. Hopefully a full one, filled with contentment and moments of joy. But I don’t know. And I never will know (because social media is not a true indicator of what a person is really experiencing in their life). Liking someone’s photo or video, or commenting a “Happy Birthday” on their wall isn’t real.
I don’t know why I keep losing people. But, I hate it.
Ⓒ February 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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