Never Absolutely

It drives me nuts when people speak in absolutes. We have no way of knowing anything is certain. We can guess. Approximate. Believe what is likely. But absolutes just don’t exist. That’s probably why it feels so good when we guess something and end up being right.

Gender identity and expression is a HUGE hot button topic right now. A lot of countries, including the US, are doubling down on their efforts to quash the trans and many of the queer community. People are up in arms, even here in Canada, about the idea, if not realization, that gender identity is on a spectrum, it’s not binary. I’m not going to argue and try and convince you, dear reader, or anyone else for that matter, what is true, or real, or absolute. Because I don’t believe one exists. What I do know is that when a person is denied their reality, their experience, their truth, it is beyond damaging. How do I know that?

I was raped when I was thirteen. And even though looking back, it was obviously rape, it took me a long time to understand and accept it as such. I grew up in a world where rape happened in dark alleys or a dark forest, and was perpetrated by violent and evil strange men. I didn’t know I could be raped by someone I knew. I didn’t know it could happen gradually, where your friend, boyfriend, or god forbid family member, could wear you down, could take advantage of their position of power - force you to do something you don’t want and then build the shame you’d carry for years afterward. So I walked the earth believing what happened to me was not rape, but a fucked up sense of expression, of passion, or love, and that it was my fault, because I got him excited and he couldn’t control himself.

For years I didn’t believe what had happened to me was rape, though I knew it was wrong. I was terrified to tell others for fear of being shamed, cast aside as used or soiled. I was afraid others would blame me and call me stupid for allowing it to happen. And then, when I finally realized it was rape, I was afraid of everyone telling me I was a victim and it wasn’t my fault. All in all, I was afraid of what anyone else had to say about MY experience. My reality. My truth. It took so many years for me to reconcile and find peace with what happened. I tried all kinds of approaches - ignoring, denying, indulging, embracing, therapy, support groups, and more. And I learned some from each method. I am glad I live in a world where there are resources and there is education about what happened to me. Still, I feel I would have benefitted from more education about it before it happened. But I was thirteen, and a lot of people did, and still, believe, thirteen is too young to learn about sex, especially violent and brutal rape.

But what if I had? What if I had been taught about consent? About manipulation and how a person can use guilt and shame to force you into doing something you don’t want to do. What if I had learned that it was okay to say no? To create healthy boundaries for myself, and maintain them? Sure, as stated above, there is no way of knowing that I would therefore not have been raped - no absolutes. But maybe I would’ve been better armed to say no. Maybe I would’ve been better equipped to deal with the aftermath. I don’t know. And I will never know. But my point is, education on it could have likely helped me in the situation - leading up to it, in the moment, and afterward.

There are people who are angry at the idea of alternative gender identities being taught in schools. They likely believe in absolutes, including the one that states only two biological sexes exist - male and female - with Y chromosomes you are male, X you are female. But even that has been proven to not be as black and white, or absolute, as we thought. First off, did you know human embryos have the potential to form both male and female anatomy in the first five weeks. It’s only at six weeks that it ‘decides’ (via the gonadal ridges) to become male or female. In fact, for years scientists believed we were all created as female (by default), but that was proven incorrect also.

In the 90’s, they discovered a gene (SRY) that can switch. So if a female (XX) carries a fragment of a Y that contains SRY, they develop as males. And in 2011, they discovered a gene (RSPO1) that doesn’t work normally and can cause XX (female) to develop ovotestis wherein they will have both ovarian and testicular development. So, all of these “anomalies” or special circumstances are labeled as DSD’s - difference of sex development. And 1 in 100 people fall into that category. 1 in 100!!! That is so much more than I ever thought. I was taught - male, female, penis, vagina, boy, girl… nothing else. But there are a plethora of different identities out there, even biologically!!!

Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS) is when a person's cells are deaf to male sex hormones because their receptors don’t work properly. So, even if they have Y chromosomes and internal testes, they have external female genitalia. Yet, a part of their DNA, body, whatever, is screaming to be male. So… we should force them to identify as a woman? Oh, and, 1 in 4,500 people have CAIS. That’s a lot.

In the 90’s, they discovered 25 genes that are involved in different forms of DSD. 25! And more recently, they’ve discovered a wide range of variations with mild effects on people, rather than full DSD. So some scientists are stating, there is a philosophical change in sex and gender. They believe it’s a balance, but that balance can shift, even after development is over.

The crazy thing is, the majority of people don’t even know they have any of these conditions, or DSD’s, because it only gets discovered when a person asks for help regarding infertility, or by accident. Such was the case for a 70 year old man who went in for hernia surgery. On the table they discovered he had a womb inside of him. Yet, he fathered 4 children. By some definitions, carrying a womb makes you a woman. Does that mean this man should he have been forced to properly identify as one?

Oh! And there’s this amazing thing where cells from a fetus can cross through the placenta into the mom, and vice versa. They’ve found fetal cells, including male ones, in women up to 27 years after they’ve given birth. They actually have a record of finding male DNA in a 94 year old woman! And the maternal cells can remain in a child into adulthood, even boys.

I learned about all this stuff (on my own) and was amazed and excited. How cool is it that as creatures, we humans aren’t restricted to these so-called laws I was told about. There is room for all kinds of identities and people. And it’s not just our private parts that make up that identity. It’s our anatomy, and our hormones, and our cells, and our chromosomes, and our feelings and experiences. I mean, if we can’t rely on science and DNA to be a reasonable and absolute parameter to explain ones identity, then why can’t we use gender? In other words, if you want to know whether someone is male or female, a man or woman, boy or girl, just fucking ask them.

I wonder what it would’ve been like to learn and understand any of this when I was younger. I mean sure, I’ve always practiced being a non-judgemental person. When I’ve met individuals that appeared and seemed unique, whether in gender identity or sexual orientation, I’ve always aimed to lead with kindness. But I’m sure, even with that in mind, my ignorance toward their realities created some sort of awkwardness. Perhaps I’ve even offended some. But, imagine if I’d learned about all these fascinating possibilities early on. Learning leads to understanding, which can then lead to acceptance. I think it’s been proven that when we humans create absolutes, and then someone or something identifies even slightly differently than the absolute, we are not kind. We are fearful, judgemental, and cruel.

I say bring on the education. Let’s enlighten as many people, children included, about the variety of different sexes, genders, orientations, and all that could exist. I can’t see any harm in it, and I’ve tried. Some worry that learning about such things will confuse their child/ren. They’ve even equated it to attempts at “converting” them which to me is absolutely nuts. I believe we are who we are. I believe we know who we are, even at a young age. I find it very hard to believe a child, or anyone, will hear about a person, or group of people, who is assigned one sex at birth and believes they are another, and think - wow, I want to do that.

I remember, for such a long time, a common question when someone came out as gay was - how did you know? Such an ignorant question really. But I think I know why it surfaced. As an individual who identifies as heterosexual, I can’t imagine identifying as anything else. Did I ever kiss a girl? Yes. But it was more about impressing the guy with me than about being attracted to her. I’ve always known I was straight. It was never a question. So why would it be any different for a gay person? If they were to question, could it possibly be because they’re living in a world where they’re made to feel that they are wrong? I try to empathize and put myself in their shoes and yeah, I think if the majority of the world told me my feelings and being who I am was wrong, disgusting, sinful, an abomination, it would make me question it. It would also make it a lot harder to come to terms with and admit. But I digress….

For as long as I’ve been consciously aware, I’ve known I was a girl, now a woman. There’s never been any doubt in my mind, heart, or soul. So, why would I question someone who is adamant that they are who they say they are? Who am I to say they are wrong? Who am I to say they’re not allowed to identify as such? And don’t give me that bullshit about - do what you like in the privacy of your home and life, but don’t bring it into mine! Well, I bring my heterosexuality and femaleness wherever I am. I can’t help it. It’s me, and I can’t or won’t alter, change, compromise being me to make others comfortable. I shouldn’t have to. No one should.

But if I believe people with alternative identities or expressions have the right to be who they are without compromise, I can’t be hypocritical and say different to those who are against it. If you don’t believe in the science of many sexes and gender identities, you have that right. And you are allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever aspect you are of it - interacting with people of different identities, learning about them, and teaching your child/ren about them, etc. So, you may choose to exclude your child/ren from the (I think) wonderful education in science about these kinds of things, but that’s your right. However, you don’t have a right to stop it from being available to the public. If the majority of a society or community believe education about these things is important and valuable, you have no right to stop it. You have the right to pull your child/ren from that class, or that school, or just teach them differently at home. But please, don’t ruin it for everyone.

And I think everyone, on all sides, needs to stop aiming to be right. To win. Much of what is in the world, and what is experienced by individuals, is based on belief. Believe what you want, but don’t force your beliefs on me, or anyone. Stop arguing and live your lives.

I, for one, believe in education. Acceptance. Understanding. Empathy. Love. And to be honest, that’s the kind of world I want to live in. One that values the human experience and leads with kindness. And that’s what I wanted for my kids. Perhaps you should ask yourself what kind of world you want for your kid(s), or the future generations if you don’t want/have kid(s). Beliefs aside, I think everyone prefers being met with kindness, no matter who they are, or their beliefs.

If you’re interested in reading more about the science I’ve referred to, click here. Or here.

Or here too.

Ⓒ April 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.