Have you ever heard of a landlord-tenant conflict over Cash for Keys? It’s when renters refuse to leave the home and extort their landlord(s) for money. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? Well, it is, and I can unfortunately say that from experience. The whole ordeal was awful - the stress, the anxiety, the hurt, the anger. But of course, I can’t share any of that with the actual people involved in the situation, can I? Of course not. And not being able to talk to them about what I feel (due to their actions) is a large part of the reason I’m so upset. So, Imma do what I do to try and process these strong and confusing feelings. Imma write.
Dear Soon to be former tenant,
As angry as I am that you’ve cut all forms of honest communication, I have learned that anger, though helpful and informative, is not a useful or healthy place for me to park my heart and mind. That’s the reason why I write. Writing helps me process, and I often discover interesting bits as I’m writing. So let’s see what I can discover right now…
Perhaps it is an inner sense of shame that has compelled you to not allow me to tell you how I feel. Perhaps, deep down, you feel what you’ve done is immoral and disgusting. But if you can keep me, the individual, out of your mind - how your actions are affecting me, how I’m feeling - if you can ignore all that, pretend it doesn’t exist, it makes it easier for you, doesn’t it? I’m no longer a person, if I ever was, but this thing that hurt you, or you need something from.
Isn’t it awful how we allow ourselves to do such things? I’m sure if the roles were reversed, and I was holding you over a barrel, you’d sure as hell wish you could speak with me. But somehow, we (as humans) have trained ourselves, convinced ourselves that it’s not ok to share our feelings. It’s beside the point. Irrational. Unprofessional. It’s nothing personal, it’s just business. And knowing how someone is affected, being made aware of the reactions and consequences of our actions, is too personal. Therefore, any form of communication other than formal, written in a business-like manner, is prohibited. But perhaps you should know. Perhaps we should all know how our actions and words are affecting others. Not because we should feel shame, but because we could feel shame (and other things) and learn from it.
You’ve clearly created a story in your mind that has allowed you to feel entitled to your actions. Somehow, you’ve justified your actions in extorting me - which also includes exploiting, violating, forcing, bullying, coercing, and just downright taking advantage of me. I should think none of these are things a kind person would do. But somehow, you’ve okayed it with yourself in your mind, and I have a tough time empathizing and understanding that. But I’m trying.
You see, I believe in leading with kindness. I believe in humanity’s ability to rise above the shit. I’m talking about the massive amount of shit that we’ve been piling up for a long time and slough through everyday. We’ve all contributed to it, this mess we call our society and culture, no matter how small. And now, we’re having to live in and swim through it, while it keeps getting bigger. And we’re all pissed off and disgusted because as individuals, living and experiencing our own lives, minding to ourselves and our loved ones, we don’t see the shit piling up. And we most certainly don’t see our contribution to it. After all, how could just one person affect the rest of society? But we do - through the choices we make - whether it be the lifestyle we lead, the way we treat others, the belief system we adhere to or follow, the politicians we vote for, the causes we align with (good or bad), the way we raise, teach, mentor, and guide the next generation - all of that (and more) adds to the pile of shit. And of course, there is no such thing as even one person who doesn’t contribute to the pile. It’s impossible. Every single one of us bears responsibility. Every. Single. One. But, no one wants to take accountability for it. We’re always in search of who to blame - the parents, the kids, the corrupt government, the elite, the poor, the homeless, the drug addicted, the churches, the sexual predators, the greedy, and the list goes on and on. And yes, they too have contributed. Some probably more than others, but so have we. But you know what…. that includes me too.
Oh my god! It does! I chose this next step in my journey. I believe it was the best choice for me, even though I didn’t want to sell my home. And I knew it could potentially affect you negatively yet, I chose to anyway.
The funny thing is, my husband and I talked about it. We had many conversations discussing, more specifically hoping, that this wouldn’t be too hard on you. We tried to navigate the deal as openly and honestly as possible, leading with kindness. But perhaps we weren’t clear enough on that. Perhaps we could’ve done more to ensure you not only knew that, but felt it. Because, just us talking about it, alone, in our apartment, trying to figure out our lives at the same time, doesn’t do shit for you, does it? Perhaps, rather than just talking about finding a way to help you, discussing the idea of offering you compensation after the fact, was bullshit. If we were talking about it, why didn’t we take action?
The funny thing is, when I really think about it, I’m not upset or angry about the money. I have a seriously fucked up relationship with money, so the idea of giving any away, even spending it logically, terrifies me and makes me feel ill, but it’s not about the actual money. Fuck the money. I hate money. It’s about your actions. If even once, you’d just communicated with me about your feelings - how upset you were, how desperate you felt - any of it, I’d like to think we’d have found a mutually beneficial solution. Maybe we could’ve found some sort of amicable compromise. But you didn’t. Instead, you made an appearance as an ally, and then switched gears to one of kill or be killed. Why didn’t you just tell me how you were feeling?
I’m not trying to paint a picture where it appears as though we had the semblance of a relationship before this all happened. I know we’ve never spoken. I know we’ve never met. I know before this, our only ‘relationship’ was transactional. You pay rent, we accept it. We pay to keep the home in good standing while you live in it. But the severity of the impact from actions taken are not quantified based on the relationship before. Sometimes, there’s just an impact, the consequences or reaction based on an action. That’s what this is.
Imagine if we’d had a personal conversation in the beginning. Would it have made a difference? I’d like to think so. But I can only assume you didn’t feel safe to do so. Maybe because we’d never spoken before. Maybe you were concerned about how it would make you appear. Were you worried I’d think you crazy? Delusional? If so, what does that say? About me? About society? To me, it says that this society, this culture we are constantly upholding, living by, and contributing to - this load of shit - is toxic.
I realize that it doesn’t make sense for every person to open up about their struggles and feelings to every person at any time they feel like it. It would create chaos - but there’s a part of me that worries we’ve shut ourselves in too tight. The truth is - we’ve had a form of a relationship for two years now. I made a choice to alter that relationship without even speaking to you about it. You reacted based on your experience and logic. And so now, I think about it and am not surprised you did what you did. Do I like it? No. Would I have done the same? I… I don’t know. In many aspects, that is the world we’re living in. Every person for themselves. And according to my words above, I contribute to that.
So, as angry and hurt as I am… I am also sorry.
I’m sorry for what transpired. I’m sorry our decision to change the relationship so suddenly hurt you, caused you pain, stress, or anxiety. That was not my intent. I was simply doing what I thought best for my future. I knew my actions would affect you. How could they not? I knew my actions would change your life - not just your day, your week, your mood. It would change your life drastically, because I know what the world is like out there. I too have to navigate this craziness, where down seems up, and right seems wrong, and it’s all business - where a sense of community has all but disappeared. And as much as I detest it, as much as it feels as though it’s tearing me piece by piece each day - I just contributed to it even more by doing what I did - taking action for myself, and not including you - repeating the mantra ‘it’s nothing personal, it’s business’ in my head over and over again.
Your actions have still left a sour taste in my mouth. I don’t know that I could ever do what you did, but then again, I’ve never been put in that position. Your actions triggered me in a deeply effective way, and I’ve been processing that. And it has now led me to this.
It would’ve been so much easier to just stay mad at you and repeat the story that you’re a conniving and selfish person with no heart. But I can’t lie to myself like that. It’s not fair to you, nor to me. That’s not my truth. Things are never that black and white.
All I know is, this ordeal was awful, and I‘m so sorry for my part in it.
I wish you well. I wish you good things, and hope you’re able to find a better home this time around. One that makes you feel safe and that truly is safe. I wish for you, a better landlord, who is kinder and more understanding of the dynamics of your relationship and the power they hold. I wish you well, dear former tenant, and hope this letter (should you ever read it) gives you some peace over a shitty time and situation.
In kindness and good faith,
b
Ⓒ September 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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