PART THREE: THE RAPE

DISCLAIMER: This entry involves experiences of bullying, sexual misconduct and/or assault, and self-hate and could possibly trigger a reader who may have (or is still) struggling with any of those issues. Please be cautious.

As with all of my entries and stories, each piece of writing I post here is from my personal perspective, experience, logic, and truth. I do not, and nor will I ever claim, that I know best, or all there is to know, about any topic or experience another individual may have experience(d). These are my words, my thoughts, my feelings, my truth.

Looking back and analyzing my ‘relationship’ with KC, there was nothing good or bad about it. I mean, obviously besides the obvious (age difference, booze, drugs, etc.). But our personal relationship was void. There was nothing to it. When we talked, we didn’t talk about real things. It wasn’t as though we’d bonded over some sort of common interest or anything, we just spent time together. If there was any one thing that I felt an affinity to him for, it was the desire to be wanted. The need to be needed. We both had that, and that’s what made everything so hard.

I’d never met KC’s family. I‘d never been to his home. I only knew what he told me. His parents were supposedly drunks. His dad would beat his mom, and as KC got older, he’d pick fights with him too. It was a ”bullshit macho thing” was all he’d tell me. And while I felt sorry for his mom, he hated her. He called her pathetic and useless. That night, at the party, before it got crazy, KC showed me some bruises on his ribs. He told me they were from his dad. I practically wept for him, though I didn’t actually cry. I kissed him to try and show him that I loved him and wanted to take his pain away. Things got a little heavy, but then the party got noisier and we went back to our friends.

The four of us ended up at a park at one point. It was just down the street from Rob’s house. By then, we were all drunk, and I was feeling pretty high too. I only remember snippets, like sorting through pictures in a photo album. KC and I were sitting on the swings talking and holding hands. Maggie and Karl were making out on one of the play structures, I think. KC was talking to me about how much he hated his parents and how much he loved that I was nothing like his mom. He went on and on about how kind and trusting I was. He told me he loved me more than anything. And then we all smoked another joint.

Later on, we were in a house. I don’t know whose house. I couldn’t even take you back there now. There was no one else in the house. We kept drinking, and KC had convinced me to do a line of cocaine.

I don’t remember where the gun came from. Suddenly, KC had it. I was scared but didn’t want him to see that I was for fear he would get angry. If I trusted and loved him, why would his having a gun scare me? Still, he reassured me that it wasn’t loaded and we began making out. Maggie and Karl were in another room when things started to get really intense. I could sense that KC wanted more from me. I tried pushing him off and he moaned in frustration. These are a few sentences I can recall:

”You’re just so beautiful.”

”I need you/You need me.”

”Don’t you want to make me feel good?” ”I can make you feel good.”

I remember the confusion. His words felt as though they should be true, but I was too drunk and stoned and scared to make sense of them. I remember telling him I wasn’t ready for sex, but he insisted that I was. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted me and if I loved him too, I would do it for him. I don’t remember if it was gradual, or if it was like a switch going off, but he grew angry and started yelling. I remember him yelling in my face. He was almost hysterical, crying, yelling things like:

”Why don’t you want me?” ”You said you love me!” ”You think you’re better than me?”

”You think you’ll get better than me?”

Suddenly, I was a bad thing. I wasn’t good anymore. I was suddenly a liar and a tease.

The yelling must have pulled Maggie into the room. She watched as KC yelled at me and then she yelled at him to shut up and leave me alone. But then Karl came out and tried pulling Maggie back in.

At some point, I tried to get up, but KC pushed me back down onto the couch and Maggie lost it. She jumped toward him and hit him. It set KC off because he slammed his fist into her face and she fell back. Karl quickly ran to her side and pulled her away, dragging her by her arm back into the other room.

I remember hoping that Maggie was ok. I could hear her screaming in the other room, cursing and yelling with unclear words in between. And I could hear Karl yelling at her to calm down. KC was standing over me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was scared, but not for my life or anything, I just wanted KC to calm down and feel loved again. I wanted him to feel safe, and I wanted to feel safe in his arms too. Suddenly, he was on top of me. He was kissing me hard. He was hurting me. I tried pulling my face away, but he brought one of his hands to it and held it in place. He’d stop kissing me only to tell me to stop squirming. His voice was so calm. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered ‘I love you’ repeatedly. I wanted him to get off of me. I wanted to get up, but I also didn’t want to leave him. He was hurting. He needed me, and I took that as a form of love. So, I barely moved except to play with the hair on the back of his head.

He suddenly had his hand up my skirt and was pulling my underwear off. I began wriggling underneath him and this time he wrapped his hand around my throat. He didn’t push down or stop my breathing, but I couldn’t move. “Stop it!” he said harshly, but I couldn’t. I kept trying to get out from underneath him. I needed to get away from him. Clearly, something had taken over him. This wasn’t my KC. I felt a sudden burn across my face and realized he’d slapped me. I was shocked. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I don’t even remember breathing. I watched him undo his pants and pull himself out. I remember hearing him say, ‘it has to be me’. I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but looking back, I think he meant that he had to be my first. He tried to enter me, but it wouldn’t work. I began to beg and plead and he looked at me. I can still see his eyes. They weren’t filled with anger or hatred, but with pure desperation, and he repeated, ‘it has to be me’.

He removed his hand from my neck, licked it and pressed it up between my legs. I remember being confused and pleading again. I tried moving away, but he pushed me down. And then I felt it. I felt him enter me and it fucking hurt. But it was like I wasn’t even there anymore. His eyes seemed to gloss over with this look of euphoria. He began pounding his body against mine, grunting, and I remember crying out, begging him to stop. I tried moving away and somehow made it out from underneath him. I slid to the floor but didn’t run. I was still so shocked and scared. I was in disbelief that it was really happening. And then he had the gun in his hand. He pointed it at me and suddenly Maggie was there.

”What the fuck?” I heard her yell. “KC! What the fuck are you doing?” Karl came up behind her and grabbed her arm.

”Get outta here Maggie!” KC yelled. I could feel her looking at me.

”Beki, let’s go.“ She moved toward me, though I kept staring at the floor. It was like I wasn’t even there. They continued arguing, Maggie and KC yelling, Karl holding Maggie back by the arm. KC pulled me up from the floor and held me close to him, smiling, telling Maggie I was fine. Maggie broke free of Karl’s grasp and came to my side. I refused to look her in the eye. She begged me to leave with her. I could see KC coming around the other side, Karl behind him. He told Maggie to mind her own business and she started yelling again. I kept my eyes on the floor, unable to move. Karl came up behind Maggie and told her everything was fine, she needed to calm down. I could feel Maggie glaring at him and I looked at KC who smiled at me and told me to tell her everything was fine. I looked down at the gun in his hand. Were we fine? Was he going to shoot me? Was he going to shoot her? Maybe he’d just been uncontrollably angry, but had now gotten it out of his system. I met KC’s eyes and held back tears. I wanted to believe I was looking into the eyes of a man who loved me.

”It ok,” I whispered. I could tell she didn’t believe me.

”Let’s go,” Maggie grabbed my hand. Karl yelled at her to leave it alone. He took the gun from KC and showed it to us, as though his having it was better than KC having it. I couldn’t deny that I felt some relief. Karl pulled on Maggie, telling her to go with him. KC was still staring at me, his eyes were begging me to help him. So I repeated myself. “It’s ok. Just go.” I told her.

To this day, I don’t know why I said that. It was like watching a movie, and I could hear my intelligent self yelling and screaming at the screen for me to take Maggie’s hand and get the fuck out of there. I don’t know if it was self-preservation. I don’t know if I said it out of concern for Maggie’s safety. But it’s always easier to watch (or replay) a scary, tragic, or intense scene and think of what we should have done. In the actual moment, it’s a totally different reality.

Karl finally pulled Maggie into the other room and closed the door behind them. The last thing I remember seeing were her eyes. At the time, I didn’t know what to read in them, but for so many years, I have seen those eyes and I see betrayal and defeat. I think she wanted me to save her just as much as she wanted to save me.

Mere seconds after the door closed, KC pulled me close to him and began kissing my neck and lips again. And this time, I was empty. I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I remember him pushing me back onto the couch. I remember him lifting my skirt and shoving his fingers inside me. He made comments about how wet I was. He forced himself into me and proceeded to rape me. There wasn’t much talk, but I remember some words:

”You feel so good.”

”You’re tight like I knew you’d be.” ”I’m so glad I’ll be your first.”

And then when he finished, “I love you.”

When he finished, I sat there while he talked at me. I couldn’t tell you anything he said. And then he turned on the TV.

Shortly after, Karl came out of the other room. He sat next to me for a few moments and then looked at KC and told him they had to go, as though reminded of some appointment or other obligation. KC nodded, leaned over and kissed me. They stood and Karl left. “I’ll see you,” KC whispered when he leaned down to kiss me again. And then he was gone.

Stay tuned for PART FOUR: AFTER

Ⓒ March 2022. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.