When I read this list item, I honestly considered skipping it altogether, but, I’m a stickler for completing things in their entirety, to the best of my ability, and crossing all the t’s before stating I’m finished. So, I guess I don’t feel I really have a choice.
#22 Women care more than men about making others happy.
It’s not that the list item makes me angry, but… I refuse to believe a lot of the stereotypes about gender that pulses through our North American culture/society. Gender has been a hot topic for some time now. I even posted about it last April (Never Absolutely, April 2023). The idea of gender roles, or “typical gender traits” is still a tough one. There are still millions of people who believe the female sex is inherently more nurturing than the male. And who am I to say they are wrong, that’s certainly been the bulk of my experience in the world. But I simply refuse to believe that I am or feel a certain way because of my DNA.
I guess I’m confused about why this even made the list. But then - it’s from a novel with characters, so there was likely something going on in the story that made this relevant (it wasn’t in the movie though). Still, let’s move forward, as planned, in dissecting this list item.
The question of whether women care more than men about making others happy is nuanced and complex, and frankly, annoying to me. It touches on aspects of psychology, sociology, gender studies, and of course, personal experience(s). While stereotypes and cultural narratives often suggest that women are more nurturing and concerned with others’ happiness, the reality is far more intricate. Let’s delve into the factors that contribute to this perception and examine whether it holds any substantial truth.
I was born in the 80’s. And from a young age, boys and girls were socialized differently. Girls were frequently encouraged to be, and typically praised for being, empathetic, nurturing, and attentive to the needs of others. I could give you too many examples of experiences I had that led me to believe that I was to be meek and mild mannered, and to ensure never to make a boy/man feel uncomfortable, unhappy, or give him reason to be angry. If that’s not shaping me to care more about someone else than myself, I don’t know what is.
Research supports that women, on average, tend to score higher on measures of empathy and emotional intelligence - but couldn’t that be because that’s how we’ve been socialized for the last —— forever! Studies have shown that women are generally better at recognizing and interpreting others’ emotions, which can naturally lead to a greater emphasis on making others happy. However, it is essential to recognize that these differences are averages and do not apply to every individual.
There is some evidence to suggest that biological factors may play a role in these differences. Hormonal differences, particularly in relation to oxytocin, often dubbed the “love hormone,” might influence behavior. Oxytocin is linked to bonding and social behaviour and tends to be more active in women, particularly in contexts involving caregiving and social connections.
However, the influence of biology is intertwined with socialization. The way society shapes gender roles can amplify or mitigate these biological tendencies, making it challenging to disentangle the two completely.
Cultural expectations also play a significant role. In many cultures, women are expected to prioritize family and relationships, often placing others’ needs above their own. This expectation can lead to a greater emphasis on making others happy, not necessarily because women inherently care more, but because they are culturally conditioned to do so.
But that doesn’t mean boys/men have necessarily had it better. Conversely, men might feel societal pressure to focus on achievement and independence, which could result in less emphasis on the emotional well-being of others. But this trains them to seek acceptance and success from the outside - which is never a healthy thing in my opinion. These cultural norms are deeply ingrained and can vary significantly across different societies and historical periods.
Despite these general trends, it’s crucial to recognize the invidual variation. Many men exhibit high levels of empathy and concern for others’ happiness, just as many women prioritize their own goals and needs. Personal experiences, personality traits, and individual choices play a significant role in shaping how much emphasis a person places on making others happy.
The idea that women care more than men about making others happy is rooted in a combination of socialization, biological influence, and cultural expectations. While there is some evidence to support this notion on average, it’s essential to avoid generalizations. People are complex and varied, and many factors contribute to how much importance someone places on the happiness of others. Ok, so women are supposed to care more about others while men focus on success, but what if that success means making their wife happy? And what if their definition of happy, or what they believe happiness looks like and how it should come about, is different than his wife’s? In the early years of our marriage, my husband truly believed my happiness meant his success, which in theory is fine. However, he also believed that the only route to my happiness was providing enough money to have a large and impressive home, the ability to take lavish vacations, and my not having to work (an outside job I get paid for) unless I want to. As sweet as this may seem, it was a toxic situation because those weren’t the things I needed to be happy, and in his pursuit to provide them, he overworked himself, he was tired, and he was unhappy. This did not make a recipe for a nice pie - it was a disaster.
So… what does this have to do with the search for happiness? Well, I think it’s important to explore how these tendencies influence the broader pursuit.
From an early age, boys and girls receive different messages about what constitutes happiness and how to achieve it. For women, happiness is often linked to relationships and caregiving. They might be taught to find joy in nurturing others and maintaining harmonious relationships. This can lead to a pursuit of happiness that is deeply tied to the well-being of those around them.
Men, on the other hand, are often socialized to seek happiness through achievement, independence, and personal success. They may be encouraged to pursue goals that are more individualistic, perhaps even materialistic, with happiness being a byproduct of accomplishments and autonomy rather than relational harmony.
Research indicates that women often report higher levels of relational satisfaction but might struggle more with balancing personal happiness and the happiness of others. The pressure to care for others can lead to self-neglect, resulting in lower overall well-being. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as the “happiness gender gap” where women, despite investing heavily in relationships, may not experience a corresponding increase in their own happiness. I certainly fell into this trap most of my life, including in the early years of my marriage. Thankfully, I was able to recognize it, reflect on it, and delve deep into how to resolve it.
Conversely, men might achieve happiness through personal success and independence, but they can also experience loneliness and lack of emotional support due to societal norms that discourage emotional expressiveness and reliance on others. Just as detailed above, that’s what happened to my husband. And to be honest, he couldn’t see it. It was devastating for me to watch him continue to hurt himself in the long term, while not understanding it. So, when I tried to call his attention to it, I was wrong. I was part of, if not THE problem. It almost ruined us. He clearly couldn’t understand how to pursue happiness.
But when cultural norms play a significant role in shaping how both women and men pursue happiness - In societies where traditional gender roles are strongly upheld (like North America), can deviating from these norms finally lead to happiness and/or fulfillment? Unfortunately, no. Women who prioritize their own happiness over caregiving might face societal judgment and ridicule, while men who seek happiness through relational intimacy might struggle with expectations of stoicism and self-reliance.
In more egalitarian societies, where gender roles are less rigid, both men and women might experience greater freedom to pursue happiness in ways that align with their personal preferences rather than societal expectations. This can lead to a more balanced approach to happiness, where both relational and individualistic pursuits are valued. Wouldn’t it be grand if we had that here in North America?
Understanding that happiness is a deeply personal and subjective experience allows for greater acceptance of diverse paths to fulfillment. Encouraging individuals to explore what truly beings them joy, free from societal constraints, can lead to more authentic and lasting happiness - including in relationships. But that’s for another blog post.
The search for happiness is a deeply individual journey, influenced by a complex interplay of socialization, cultural expectations, and personal choices. Gender norms undoubtedly shape how men and women pursue happiness, but breaking free from these constraints allows for a more personalized and fulfilling approach. It’s not easy, but it does get easier as time passes, especially as one finds happiness and their confidence grows.
By recognizing and challenging traditional gender roles, individuals can find greater freedom to seek happiness in ways that resonate with their true selves. Whether through relationships, personal achievements, or a blend of both, embracing diverse paths to happiness enriches our collective understanding of what it means to live a joyful life.
Ⓒ July 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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