Stay Small

I can’t see my own face

when I look in a mirror

All I see is the bad, things that make me sad

I can’t take up the space

even though I’m deserving

All I can do is stand still and hear the voices fill

My mind

they always haunt me

I don’t know what they want, why do they always taunt

Saying mean shit to me

Making me wanna cry

Can’t wait until the end of day because all I ever hear them say is

“Stay small”

“Be silent”

“Unless for entertainment or to make them feel good”

“Don’t walk, crawl”

“Non-violent”

“Be the good girl everyone has said you could”

I don’t light up the room

At least I try not to

Because then everyone sees, both friends and enemies

Don’t want to get noticed

Gotta be invisible

Gotta listen to these demons, though there’s no rhyme or reason to

“Stay small”

“Be silent”

“Unless for entertainment or to make them feel good”

“Don’t walk, crawl”

“Non-violent”

“Be the good girl everyone has said that you should”

---

Or Be Free…

That is a poem I wrote some years ago. I have struggled with demons and cruel inner voices that emotionally manipulate and abuse me everyday for as long as I can remember. They distract me from doing things I love, taking care of myself, and finding, even feeling, happiness.

I have worked tirelessly for years to try and silence, ignore, and devalue what the voice would say, and it rarely worked. Or if it did, only for a short time, and the efforts it took to keep them at bay would soon overwhelm me. The more time lived with the demons and voices, the more exhausted I became just being me. Honestly, it felt like I was swimming against a strong current, never getting anywhere. I just kept swimming, fearful that if I gave up and allowed the current to take me, I would drown. And so, following Dory’s advice (Nemo was my son’s favorite movie when he was young), I just kept swimming.

However, the last few years, especially 2021, finally pushed me to my limits. I finally felt ready to admit, I couldn’t keep swimming anymore. So, I reached out to my doctor. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful MD who listens and works with me when it comes to my concerns. They are not just a clinician or diagnostician looking to find the exact label that fits my situation and then throw medication at me. Together we discussed my history, physical and mental, as well as emotional. We discussed MY concerns, and they let me lead the conversation. After exploring possibilities (through tests) and options (through research and conversation), it has been made clear that I am in fact an individual with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD).

Now, I was diagnosed ADHD when I was a young child. Unfortunately, the aftermath of the diagnosis and battles I felt I had to fight during treatment, proved counterproductive. Though the meds supposedly helped me become a more manageable student, the side effects, both physical and emotional, were not worth it to me. I can’t recall how long I stayed on the meds, but I remember when I chose to stop taking them. I remember when I decided that I didn’t require meds because there was nothing ‘wrong’ with me.

In hindsight, there was nothing wrong with me. There still isn’t. I’m human. And every human, though we look and act alike, and want and need some of the same things, is an individual. A sentient and unique vessel, with its own way of processing data, including experience, knowledge, and emotions. Unfortunately, I’d believed for a very long time that when a person needs medication or treatment, it means there is something wrong with them. Medication and treatment exists to make us “better”. To treat an ailment or disease. To correct an error. Well, in some cases, that may be true. But I’ve come to realize that there is no normal, or perfect. Everyone needs some form of treatment or mediation in their life. Sometimes that treatment is going for a run, or meditating, or shopping. And sometimes, it’s drinking, or getting high, or engaging in high-risk behaviours. Either way, we’re all ‘medicating’ ourselves somehow. And that’s what I was trying to do for so long. I was exploring the plethora of options for self-medicating, some healthy, some not so healthy. I just kept swimming so I wouldn’t drown, while hoping I would build up enough muscles that I could overcome the current myself. The truth was… is that my brain simply doesn’t work the way society (schools, workplaces, etc.) requires it to. So it’s not me that requires medicating, it’s society that requires it of me.

Approximately one month ago, I was prescribed a medication for my demons. It took a lot of courage for me to fulfill that prescription and then take the first pill. After as much research and reflection as I could handle, I took the first dose. Within days, I could feel the difference. And since then, I’ve barely felt a demon, or heard a cruel inner voice. It’s been the best kind of shock I’ve ever felt. But I think the biggest shock for me, was the realization that the inner abuse I’d been surviving and fighting my whole life was a symptom of ADHD. I had absolutely no idea that could be a part of it. I’d simply believed (and found reading to support those beliefs) that ADHD was all about focus, executive functioning, and impulse control issues. This realization allowed for me to finally not only accept, but better understand myself. And now, I am free.

Free to wake each day and feel it’s freshness.

Free to pursue endeavours I’d given up on because of the demons and inner voices.

Free of daily conflict and confrontation with negativity.

Free to enjoy the waves, and let the current take me with the sun shining on my face.

I no longer feel small, or the need to stay small. And it’s really nice.

So, if you’re dealing with demons or cruel inner voices, whether they be a symptom of ADHD, depression, anxiety, trauma, or a mix of any and all the above, or one of the many hundreds of other things it could be, you’re not alone. You don’t have to ‘just keep swimming’. Keep exploring options, and causes, and treatments, and medications, and remedies. Because I promise you, without a doubt, I never believed there would ever be reprieve for me. I never thought I would feel as free as I do now. But I’ve found it. And though the road to it was long, arduous, exhausting, and often felt like it would kill me, it was all worth it.

xo

b

Ⓒ September 2022. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.