I can’t see my own face
when I look in a mirror
All I see is the bad, things that make me sad
I can’t take up the space
even though I’m deserving
All I can do is stand still and hear the voices fill
My mind
they always haunt me
I don’t know what they want, why do they always taunt
Saying mean shit to me
Making me wanna cry
Can’t wait until the end of day because all I ever hear them say is
“Stay small”
“Be silent”
“Unless for entertainment or to make them feel good”
“Don’t walk, crawl”
“Non-violent”
“Be the good girl everyone has said you could”
I don’t light up the room
At least I try not to
Because then everyone sees, both friends and enemies
Don’t want to get noticed
Gotta be invisible
Gotta listen to these demons, though there’s no rhyme or reason to
“Stay small”
“Be silent”
“Unless for entertainment or to make them feel good”
“Don’t walk, crawl”
“Non-violent”
“Be the good girl everyone has said that you should”
Or Be Free…
That is a poem I wrote some years ago. I‘ve struggled with demons and cruel inner voices that emotionally manipulate and abuse me everyday for as long as I can remember. They distract me from doing things I love, taking care of myself, and finding, even feeling, happiness.
I’ve worked tirelessly for years to try and silence, ignore, and devalue what they’d say, and it rarely worked. Or it would, but only for a short time and the efforts it took to keep them at bay would soon overwhelm me. The more time lived with the demons and voices, the more exhausted I became just being me. It honestly felt like I was constantly swimming in place against a strong current. I am grateful that I never reached a point where I felt like giving up and allowing the current to take me. Somehow I knew if I did, I would drown. And so, following Dory’s advice (Nemo was my son’s favorite movie when he was young), I just kept swimming.
However, the last few years, especially 2021, finally pushed me to my limits. And I felt ready to admit, I couldn’t keep swimming anymore (sorry, Dory). I needed to reach a shore and rest, or find peace in floating in calmer waters. So, I reached out to my doctor. I am again, very fortunate, to have a wonderful MD who listens and works with me when it comes to my concerns. They are not just a clinician or diagnostician, looking to find the exact label that fits my situation and then throw medication at me. Together, we discussed my history, both physical and mental, but also emotional. We discussed MY concerns, and they let me lead the conversation. After a few meetings exploring possibilities (through tests) and options (through research and conversation), it’s been made clear that I am in fact an individual with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).
Now, I was diagnosed ADD when I was a young child. Unfortunately, the aftermath of the diagnosis and battles I felt I had to fight during treatment, proved counterproductive. Though the meds supposedly helped me become a more manageable student, the side effects, both physical and emotional, were not worth it to me. I can’t recall how long I stayed on the meds, but I remember when I chose to stop taking them. I remember when I decided that I didn’t require meds because there was nothing ‘wrong’ with me.
In hindsight, there absolutely was nothing wrong with me. There still isn’t. I’m human. And every human, though we look alike, act alike, and want and need some of the same things, is an individual. A sentient and unique vessel, with its own ways of processing data, including experience, knowledge, and emotions. It’s been proven that our experiences can actually alter the way our brain functions! I just think that is so fascinating, don’t you? Anyway, I’d believed for a very long time, for many reasons, that when a person needed medication or treatment to function, it meant there was something wrong. I mean, isn’t that what medication is for? To make us “better”? To treat an ailment or disease? In many cases, that is true. However, I’ve come to realize that there is no normal, or perfect. Everyone needs some form of treatment in their life. Sometimes that treatment is going for a run, or meditating, or shopping. And sometimes, it’s drinking, or getting high, or engaging in high-risk behaviours. Either way, we’re all ‘medicating’ ourselves somehow. And that’s what I was trying to do for so long. I was exploring the plethora of options for self medicating, some healthy, some not so healthy. I just kept swimming so I wouldn’t drown, and also hoped I would build the muscles up enough that I could overcome the current myself. But alas, I never did.
Approximately one month ago, I was prescribed a medication for my demons. It took a lot of courage for me to fulfill that prescription and then give it a chance. After as much research and reflection as I could handle, I took the first dose. Within days, I could feel the difference. And now, I haven’t felt a demon, or heard a cruel inner voice since. I’m still shocked, but it is the best kind of shock I’ve ever felt. I think the biggest shock for me though, was the realization that the inner abuse I’d been surviving and fighting my whole life was a symptom of ADD. I had absolutely no idea that was a part of it. I’d simply believed, and found reading to support those beliefs, that ADD was all about focus, executive functioning, and behaviour. This realization allowed for me to finally not only accept, but better understand myself. And now, I am free.
Free to wake each day and feel it’s freshness.
Free to pursue endeavours I’d given up on because the demons and inner voices convinced me to.
Free of daily conflict and confrontation with negativity.
Free to enjoy the waves, or swim to shore, or float in peace with the sun or moon shining on my face.
I no longer feel small, or the need to stay small. And it’s nice.
So, if you’re dealing with demons or cruel inner voices, whether they be a symptom of ADD, depression, anxiety, trauma, or a mix of any and all the above, or one of the many hundreds of other things it could be. You’re not alone. You don’t have to ‘just keep swimming’. Keep exploring options, and causes, and treatments, and medications, and remedies. Because I promise you, without a doubt, I never believed there would ever be reprieve for me. I never thought I would feel as free as I do now. But I’ve found it. And though the road to it was long, arduous, exhausting, and often felt like it would kill me, it was all worth it.
xo
b
Ⓒ September 2022. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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