I’d like to continue to examine the list from Hector and the Search for Happiness.
#2. “Happiness often comes when least expected.”
This one is interesting… I mean, I guess it’s kinda difficult to plan to be happy. One can certainly make plans in hopes to do something that leads them to feel happy. But is that really happiness? Or is it contentment? It likely depends on how literal and detailed one wants to be.
I enjoy writing, drawing, painting, creating… but does it make me happy? It depends on the circumstances. When I sit at the keyboard, or pick up those pencils spontaneously, or because I have an idea in my brain that I just have to get out - yes! I feel happy. If I feel pressured to create something within a certain time frame, or because someone has expectations for it, the happiness is… less. I can’t say nonexistent, but less. The anxiety and fear of failure tends to creep in a little strongly in those circumstances. I mean, if I were asked as a whole, does creating make me happy? The answer would most certainly be yes. But this list item doesn’t seem to be addressing the whole and ongoing. Honestly, I’m trying to think of a circumstance when it comes unexpectedly and it’s proving more challenging than I thought.
When I looked up “To be happy”, I read an enduring state of mind consisting not only of feelings of joy, contentment, and other positive emotions, but also of a sense that one's life is meaningful and valued. Perhaps these therefore are good examples:
Being complimented by a stranger
Enjoying great conversation with a stranger on a plane, or in a waiting room
Getting a random call from your adult child (who rarely calls you) to tell you they love and miss you, or were just thinking of you
Getting surprised by your partner with something you enjoy - a date night, a bath already drawn and ready for you, etc.
So, does that mean when good things unexpectedly happen, that brings on happiness? I guess that makes sense, but then it kinda reads as though happiness is completely out of our control. Wouldn’t that be a bummer! When I was younger, I think I unconsciously believed that. I certainly felt like I was walking around the planet with this dark cloud hanging over me, believing nothing very good came my way. I don’t want to make this post about how you attract what you emit in the world, but… it doesn’t seem to make much sense for one to rely on the rest of the world to make them happy. I can’t simply wait around until a stranger decides to spontaneously compliment me. Or for someone else to think of doing something to make me happy. I mean, people have lives to lead, things to do, people to see, and their own happiness to worry about. Don’t they?
It’s a nice thought though, isn’t it? Imagine a world where people thought more about others than themselves. And not in how others think or feel about them, but about other peoples’ happiness. Clearly, we don’t want a world where everyone is exhausted and burnt out from trying to make others happy. But imagine if we all experienced the world with the thought or belief - “I want to be the reason or source of what makes someone else happy today.” Wouldn’t that be amazing? It’s a fine balance, to be sure. I worked double overtime to try and make past partners, past friends, and relatives happy. I took on their troubles, their hurts, their pains, all in hopes that it would make them happier, and it didn’t. If anything, most often, it seemed to make them feel as though that was my permanent role. They took advantage of my love and kindness and exploited me. But if we could find a nice balance between being or creating a source for someone else’s happiness, but not deriving our own self worth, value, or love from it, that’d be great.
I know I try. When I realized I was taking on too much for/from other people, I slowly shifted and put boundaries in place to protect myself. It wasn’t easy. And I’ve lost some friendships and relationships because of it unfortunately. But I still go out in the world and try to be a source for others’ happiness. Even if it’s fleeting. That’s one of the reasons I love customer service. I get to see and meet tons of different people, and perhaps I can be that little extra, if not that one reason to make them smile or feel good that day. It’s a very powerful feeling. It gives me energy and gives me the warm tinglies. I’m not saying it always works, is always easy, appreciated, or even noticed. I most definitely have days where I wish I could just tell customers to fuck right off. Some people seem to be really entitled out there, but I digress.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if happiness often comes when least expected, maybe we should try and create those unexpected moments more often. Obviously we can’t do it for ourselves, otherwise it’s expected, but we can for others.
This is not new, of course. I’ve certainly heard of acts of random kindness before. There’s actually a foundation for it. It’s pretty cool actually. Random Acts of Kindness (RAK) provide free resources to inspire and facilitate kindness, hoping to make it the norm. I’ve only just heard about them and am not sure how successful they are, or how far reaching their arms go. But I do know researchers have said that being kind to ourselves, to others, and those we care about, boosts happiness. So what’s the harm in trying? I think I’ll add one random act of kindness to my weekly habit checklist. One a week isn’t too hard - especially when there’s no expectation to how big or how small the act is.
I am challenging myself, and you, to try it. I will commit myself to one random act of kindness a week! And I challenge you to set a goal and attempt to reach it too. Perhaps we can check in, in June, to see how things are progressing.
For inspiration: https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas
Ⓒ February 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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