The Pursuit of Happiness

Navigating the world is hard, but navigating ourselves can be half, if not more of, the challenge.

I was talking to a very good friend the other day, and they’ve been going through some rough times. I listened to them vent and open up to me and they said something that really hit me hard.

Sometimes I feel like there are two of me. Like there’s the version of me who is good, and wants to be happy and kind. And then there’s the other version of me that’s just bad. Who doesn’t give a shit about others and wants to be selfish and self indulgent.

This hit me hard because I’ve often felt this way. Maybe not in those exact words, but I’ve felt as though I’m torn between two faiths. Most days, I want to navigate the world with kindness and compassion. But I definitely have days where I feel very strongly about finding a place in the middle of nowhere and forgetting the rest of the world exists. It’s the struggle between the faith that I am worthy of happiness, and the lack of faith that I can ever find it in this dark and dismal world. Can happiness be achieved through kindness? Or would shutting myself away from the world and focusing on my inner self bring me happiness?

I think it’s « normal » for a person to feel torn between two faiths, feelings, beliefs, whatever you want to call it. It’s like the difference between a good and bad mood. But mine go deeper than that. I often feel like two different people because there is the me that has faith in finding happiness with what I’ve already achieved and accomplished. Finding the good and relishing in it as often as possible, everyday. However, there is also the other me that lacks faith in all of that and feels I’ve been denied things I deserve. And that makes me angry and spiteful toward the world.

To simplify….

In one faith, I have lived a good life. I am very blessed to have an amazing husband and partner. I have two healthy and wonderful kids. I could list many things to be grateful for. But I honestly believed there would be more than this. I started singing and acting at a young age and I always got great feedback from shows, and auditions, even if I didn’t get the role. I was told that I had IT. I was told I would make it someday because I had a talent people would want to hear and watch. And I LOVE it! I love singing. I love writing music. I love creating stories and worlds, and I love acting, and sharing it with people. I love writing. All I’ve ever wanted is to be able to be a part of that world and make a living in it. I had so much faith that it would happen. That I was deserving of it. And I worked hard. But it hasn’t happened. I’ve had plenty of near misses. SO MANY near misses, and I struggle with that reality a lot. And I’ve never given up. I still put myself out there. Do I just not have luck on my side? Is it a pipe dream? Is it just ‘not meant to be’? Because…

I live a pretty good life. I am beyond happy in my marriage. My kids are doing well. I could list a million things I am currently grateful for. I’ve always been able to make a decent living. I’ve been able to travel, see other parts of the world, and meet great people. So, why am I seeking fulfillment and/or happiness outside of what I already have and am?

Is the real truth to finding happiness living in the present and being grateful for what you already have? I must admit, when I am practicing such mindfulness, I feel better about myself, my life, and where I’m at. But I can’t deny that there is still a part of me that feels it’s been and is being rejected. How do I reconcile with that? Yes, I still write music and stories and scripts and sing and act on my own time, but it’s not how I wanted! I still want an audience, a tribe or community, and compensation for my work.

Ok, now I sound like a whiny baby who is upset because she just didn’t get what she wanted. Ugh! See how navigating oneself is so hard? And I don’t know what the answer is. Or that there even is an answer. Perhaps there isn’t. Or perhaps there is several, or thousands. And perhaps they change depending on the age and stage you are in life. I really don’t know. I guess the best thing to do is just keep waking every morning, and while brushing your teeth and readying for the day, remind yourself of what you have to be grateful for. Even the things taken for granted, like breathing, being able to walk and talk, having access to food and clean water, etc. Doing such things can’t hurt, can it?

I’ll tell you one thing. I am very thankful I started this blog. And I am thankful for you, reader. I may not know who you are, and perhaps we haven’t connected in real life (ever or recently), but I’m grateful we have this connection. Thanks for being here.

Ⓒ July 2022. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.