#21 Rivalry poisons happiness
In our continued pursuit of happiness, we can often fall into traps that divert us from our path. One such trap is rivalry. Competition, in many contexts, can push us to excel and achieve greatness. However, when it morphs into rivalry, it can poison our happiness, corroding our well-being and relationships. In this post, we’ll explore how rivalry undermines happiness and I’ll attempt to provide strategies to prevent and overcome it.
Personally, I’ve never been one for competition or rivalry. It makes me greatly uncomfortable, which is probably why I’ve always preferred solo sports like swimming, running, kayaking, etc. Rivalry is an intense form of competition where individuals or groups vie against each other, often with the desire to outdo or undermine the other. Unlike healthy competition, which can be motivating and constructive, rivalry is destructive. It creates an environment of constant comparison, resentment, and hostility.
My husband and I used to bicker and fight about who was doing more labor in our marriage and parenting - I felt I was doing more cooking and cleaning, he felt he was doing more child rearing, I felt I was doing all of the emotional labor, etc. We’d fight over who felt more taken advantage of, or unsupported, or not valued, comparing our work loads and feelings about it all. Of course, these arguments and fights never got us anywhere, they only made things worse and bred resentment. The reality was, we both just wanted to be heard and valued for the efforts we were making, but instead of doing that we were comparing ourselves and putting each other down. It was like our marriage and partnership as parents was a competition, but it wasn’t. It isn’t. It’s a partnership. It was supposed to be about the kids and the love between us, so why wasn’t that what we were focussed on?
Rivalry often leads to relentless comparison. Instead of valuing our unique strengths and achievements, we measure our worth against others. This constant comparison diminishes our self-esteem and happiness. We feel as though we can’t measure up, as though we’re not good enough. As mentioned above, it breeds resentment and jealousy, which can poison relationships. It creates a barrier of mistrust and hostility, preventing genuine connection and collaboration. The pressure to outperform a rival generates stress and anxiety. And the fear of failure plus the obsession with success can lead to burnout and a diminished sense of well-being. Even if you come out on top in a rivalry, the satisfaction is often found fleeting. The victory is tainted by the negative emotions involved in the process, and the cycle of competition continues, leaving little room for happiness.
Suffice to say, our marriage was suffering. Our connection was weak and frail, hanging by a thread. We knew something had to change, but for a long while, we didn’t know what.
Recognizing the harmful effects of rivalry is the first step towards preventing and overcoming it. I knew in order to save our marriage, our family, we had to escape the rivalry, the comparison and competition, but how?
First things first, I knew we needed to shift focus. Instead of focusing on my husband's contribution and efforts, or lack thereof (in my opinion at the time), I chose to celebrate my achievements, no matter how small, and recognize my progress and efforts. By valuing my own journey, I cultivated a sense of contentment and self-worth.
Secondly, I shifted my focus from what my husband wasn’t doing (and what I wanted him to do) to what he was in fact doing. By regularly acknowledging and appreciating the positives he made, my feelings of envy and resentment reduced. In fact, after a short time I found even more reasons to be grateful toward him that I hadn’t noticed before.
From there, when I found myself still wishing for more support, I was able to approach him with the mindset of collaboration. I told him how much I saw and appreciated in him and his contributions, recognizing his achievements without comparing it to my own. And rather than simply telling him what he wasn’t doing, or what he was doing wrong, I talked to him about my feelings. I explained my need for support and offered solutions on what that would look like. That way, he didn’t simply hear criticism, but heard his loving wife asking for help AND providing a solution.
Once hubby and I removed rivalry from every aspect of our relationship - money, parenting, affection, housework, emotional labor - everything changed for the better and we grew stronger as a couple. Here we are, many years later, still together, still strong, and more in love than ever before.
Rivalry, with its toxic brew of comparison, resentment, and anxiety, can severely undermine happiness and tear a relationship apart. By recognizing its impact and adopting strategies to prevent and overcome it, we can redirect our focus towards personal growth, meaningful relationships, and lasting fulfillment. Let us strive for a life where our happiness is not defined by outdoing others, but realizing our own potential and appreciating the unique journey we are on.
I am not exaggerating when I say that taking comparison out of our marriage saved us. And I adopted it in all my relationships moving forward - with my friends, family, and colleagues.
Let us all strive to remove any rivalry from our lives, embracing the path of personal growth and genuine connection that leads to true and lasting happiness. Cheers!
Ⓒ June 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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