#14 Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. That’s a lyric in a song from the musical movie “Moulin Rouge”. I’m sure it comes from somewhere else originally, but that’s where my memory stored it for recall. I always thought that lyric was lovely because it touches on more than just loving someone. Technically, it’s easy to do that. Barring any complications, loving someone is pretty easy. It’s when there are expectations, hope, and goals, that things can get messy. Sometimes the person you love can make it hard to love them. Sometimes geography can be an issue, or perhaps history, faith, values, morals, etc. I could go on. But when someone loves you for exactly who you are, it’s indescribable.
It’s quite likely that you, dear reader, have experienced an unhealthy relationship in some form. I don’t necessarily mean abusive, just not good for you. Yes, that can include abuse, whether it be physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, economical, sexual, technological, and institutional. Because, just to be clear, in referring to ‘love’ in this post, I’m including ALL kinds; familial, friendly, platonic, romantic, self-love, divine, and unconditional.
Being loved for exactly who you are means being accepted and cherished without any need to change or hide aspects of yourself. This kind of love embraces your strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and imperfections. It means feeling secure in the knowledge that the person who loves you does so unconditionally, appreciating the entirety of your being - your personality, values, and even your flaws. This form of love fosters authenticity and allows for genuine connection and mutual respect.
When someone loves you with strings attached, their affection and acceptance depend on certain criteria of behaviors. This type of love is contingent on you meeting their expectations, fulfilling their specific roles, or adhering to their standards. If you fail to meet their conditions, their love may diminish or be withdrawn completely. Conditional love can lead to feelings of insecurity, as you may feel the need to constantly prove yourself or fear rejection if you do not comply with the conditions set by the other person.
Being loved for who you are feels profoundly liberating and comforting. It provides a deep sense of security and belonging, knowing you don’t have to hide or change any part of yourself to be accepted. This kind of love fosters confidence and self-esteem, as you are valued for your true self. It creates a safe space for vulnerability and authentic expression, leading to a stronger, more meaningful connection with the person who loves you. Ultimately, it brings a sense of peace and happiness, as you can fully embrace and celebrate your individuality without fear of judgment or rejection.
Everyone’s first experience with unconditional love should unequivocally be with their parent(s), in my opinion. From there, one can only hope it’ll be smooth, if not effortless, to then recognize it later in life, as well as understand how to give and receive it, and nurture it in other relationships. Those born into this more positive situation are likely to experience higher self-esteem and confidence. They will likely understand what healthy emotional expression is, feeling free and safe to do so, and they will build resilience, as they feel supported and understood in times of stress or failure. Having grown and developed in an environment with unconditional love will help them to form healthier, more secure relationships built on mutual respect and trust later in life. It also helps them to develop empathy and understanding towards others.
If one is born into, and raised in a family with conditional love, it can drastically affect the individuals future relationships negatively. Being born into a family with conditional love creates a life where the child is constantly trying to meet parents’ expectations and that can lead to lower self-worth and insecurity. The fear of not being accepted can create anxiety and a constant need for validation. This might force the child to suppress their true feelings to avoid disapproval, leading to potential emotional issues. They may have less resilience and struggle more with stress and failure. This can lead to forming insecure attachments, which can create distrust and dependency. Their relationships may mirror the conditional nature of their upbringing, affecting intimacy and genuine connections. A fear of failure or mistakes can stifle creativity and hinder personal and professional growth. They may conform to others’ expectations and lose their sense of self, as they prioritize external approval over personal authenticity.
But to build and nurture unconditional love within a relationship involves several key practices which can be next to impossible to discover and/or practice without the understanding and experience of unconditional love as a young being. Here is a list of they key items I think are non-negotiable, but I am no expert.
Acceptance - embrace each other’s flaws, quirks, and imperfections without trying to change them. Don’t just tolerate them. Recognize and appreciate each other’s true selves.
Open Communication - Foster honest and transparent communication. Share thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly, and listen actively to each other without judgment. This can be especially hard to do for any individual who is uncomfortable with emotions, their own or their partners. Also challenging for those who are not connected with, nor able to handle or process their own emotions.
Empathy and Understanding - Practice empathy by trying to understand each other’s perspectives and emotions. Show compassion and support during both good and challenging times. There will be times when more patience is required, and that’s okay.
Respect and Trust - Maintain mutual respect and build trust through consistent actions and reliability. Trust is the foundation of all unconditional love. Once broken, it can be very challenging to repair.
Patience - Exercise patience with each other’s growth and changes. Understand that personal development is a lifelong journey and support one another through it. Cultivate a mindset and adopt strategies that help manage any frustrations and delay immediate reactions.
Quality Time - Spend meaningful time together to strengthen your bond. Engage in activities that bring joy and deepen your connection.
Forgiveness - Be willing to forgive mistakes and move past conflicts without holding grudges. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and focus on resolving issues constructively.
Encouragement - Encourage each other’s dreams, goals, and personal growth. Celebrate successes and provide support during setbacks.
Self-love - Cultivate self-love and self-awareness. A healthy relationship with yourself enhances your ability to love others unconditionally.
Now, I am by no means an expert, though I’m not sure what would qualify anyone in calling themselves such. However, I’ve had a lot of experience in and with toxic relationships. Even my marriage at one time or another was frail and fragile, with a lot of heated arguments and emotions flying in every which direction. But with hard work, determination, and the deep belief that we love one another unconditionally and can always find our way to each other, we’ll be celebrating twenty years this summer. I’ve also worked very hard to spread unconditional love in all my relationships, and while I may not have an abundance of friends, I am the happiest I’ve been in regards to the relationships in my life.
Yes, to be loved for exactly who you are is the ultimate relationship goal, isn’t it? But if the foundation is cracked, or barely there to begin with, and we’re left to our own devices to build or fix it, the road can be a long an arduous one. Still worth it though. Don’t you think?
Ⓒ May 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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