Trust & Regret

Trust. It’s so fickle. Annoying. Scary. Frustrating. Important. Vital.

Regret. A heavy word that carries a heavy weight. And to me, a synonym for guilt.

My entire life, I’ve always been a “trust first” kinda gal. And, I know I’m in a terrible head and heart space right now but, more often than not, it’s gotten me in trouble and really hurt. Even when people do that (get me in trouble or hurt me), I still trust that they're doing it/have done it unknowingly, unintentionally, because they are currently hurting, or because they were hurt so badly in their past, they don’t know any better. Am I believing these things to help them, or to save myself? I don’t know…

Recently, I’d befriended a person. We connected on so many levels - art, writing, storytelling, passion, morals, our views of the world and people in it, and past trauma. As our friendship grew stronger, we began sharing our art with each other. We began supporting one another. Sharing ideas. Sharing our hopes and dreams. And then we started making plans. Plans to create our own space to pursue those dreams and make them a reality. Plans to maybe even go into business together. We spoke about it with so many possible scenarios and ways to do it, but never settled. We were dreaming and it was nice, especially with all the chaos of the world in a pandemic around us. It was comforting. It was fun. It felt safe.

When we started letting other people into our world, things started to change. Expectations. Wants. Needs. Suddenly, we were feeling like we couldn't communicate well anymore. There was too much miscommunication, too many misunderstandings, leading to too many hurt feelings, stress, worry, and anxiety. I began losing sleep and/or having nightmares. I tried to process my feelings and emotions by channeling them into my music and art. But all of these feelings from my past were re-surfacing too. And just like past relationships, I no longer felt safe with this person. I no longer felt I could trust them. And despite trying to communicate that with love and kindness, my words were met with anger and hurtful accusations.

I practiced patience. I practiced kindness. I practiced understanding. I refused to raise my voice in anger, because I wasn’t angry. I was hurt. I refused to throw their hurtful words back at them because I knew hurting them wouldn’t serve any good purpose. I refused to cut ties and simply walk away, because I knew what being abandoned felt like and promised I would never consciously do that to another living soul. So I didn’t run or walk away, I cried and gently hugged them and said, "I’ll be back, I think we need space".

Months passed with so much change in my life. When I felt I was ready to check-in, I did. I gently reached out in hopes that we could at least share where we were at so there’d be no moments of staring off in the distance and wondering. The response I received wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but I accepted it. Perhaps we would never be in a safe place or space again, and as sad as that is, it’s ok. Friends come and go for reasons, seasons and lifetimes.

But now, they’ve stepped back into my life. And what I knew wasn’t a desired ending but at least thought was amicable and logical, now feels like another misunderstanding or miscommunication that has blown up in my face. This person seems to want things from me that we never agreed to. This person seems to believe they’re entitled to things that were at best tentative, and even so, on the basis that they fulfill certain parts of the arrangement, which were never fulfilled. In short, this person wants to take from me without giving. And I am sick to death of allowing people to take without giving. No more! I am done!

I have worked long and hard to get to a place where I feel I am enough. Where I feel I have a lot to offer and it’s worth reciprocating for. Trying for. Fighting for. But it is not, and never will be, okay for someone to come in, take joy, love, creativity, and kindness while only giving back a fraction of it, and then demand more. Or worse, try and destroy what took place in the first place. And I also refuse to give it more energy than it deserves.

Once I am finished processing all of the hurt, I will come at this with my heart leading. But my heart will no longer be leading for them, it will lead for me. They wanna try and hurt me more? Just watch as I build a shield they will never be able to penetrate again. They wanna try and take more from me? Watch as that shield turns into a mirrored surface where they can no longer see me, but only themselves. I’ll let them deal with their anger and pain because it’s not mine to carry anymore. Clean up your own mess. Battle your own demons. Leave me alone.

I’ll just be over here, loving and creating.

Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote some time ago while struggling in my friendship with this person. I could see they were hurting and were inadvertently projecting a lot of their fears, hurt, and anger on me. I’d hoped this would help, but clearly, it didn’t in the long term. The song is called “Hold You Up”.

Your feelings are yours, and mine and mine

But that doesn’t mean we can’t work it out this time

I know you’re scared, and you’re very upset

But that doesn’t mean we can’t forgive or forget

Emotions are high and get in the way

Of practical conversation

We need to be clear, mean what we say

Analyze the situation

Because, all I know is

I’m not going to hold you up anymore

I’m not upset by the feelings you have

I just don’t think that it’s fair, how you’re making me feel so bad

You can’t withhold love, even if you’re scared

The punishment don’t fit the crime and it feels like you just don’t care

Why are you doing this to me?

Have I not proven my love for you?

Why can’t you see my loyalty?

I know you’re scared and overwhelmed

And I’m not trying to disagree

Why can’t you see I need you to listen to me

Your feelings are yours, and mine are mine

So let’s sit down and work it out this time

I know you’re upset and I know how you feel

So let’s sit down, we’ve got a wound to heal

Emotions are high and get in the way

Of practical conversation

We need to be clear, mean what we say

Analyze the situation

Because, all I know is

I’m not going to hold you up anymore