Over the years, I’ve had so many ask me how my marriage has lasted as long as it has. We’re getting close to twenty years, and I guess that is more rare than I realize. I think it’s especially surprising to people as my husband and I got together when I was a single mother and we married when we were only 22 years old. I mean, 22 is so young! I know there was a time when that was considered almost old to be getting married, but we live a lot longer now. The truth is, there is no secret. I’d like to say that it’s all from hard work. We’re more in love and dedicated to one another than ever before. And yes, it did take hard work. Almost every day. Some days were more challenging than others, but such is life. And if you’ve any experience whatsoever in being in a relationship, you already know that. But I think a large part of it, something that I’ve always refuted and believed I didn’t have any of, is luck.
I mean, really, think about it. How lucky am I that I fell in love with a kind and generous man? And then add on the luck that he, in turn, fell in love with me. And then add to that, how lucky we are that we are both willing and able to stick it through the really challenging and hard times. We never gave up, nor will we. Each day we choose each other. Yes, that’s work, dedication, passion, determination, commitment, faith, and so many other things. But it’s also good luck.
I’ve seen marriages end. I’ve seen it when one partner gives up and believes there’s no way through. And I’m not going to write anything to the effect of their being wrong. How the heck would I know? I’m not them, nor their partner. But as naive and foolish as it may sound, I believe a couple can get through anything, if they’re willing and able to choose to. The most difficult aspect, in my opinion, is being lucky enough where both partners choose it, and commit to it, together, at the same time. Too often, one is willing, and the other not.
Now, please understand, I know there are situations wherein one person feels they cannot forgive the other. Such things as infidelity, abuse, a breach of trust. I’ve certainly been in such situations. And I left. And it was the right thing, because I knew the transgression would likely be repeated. If you know you’re not with a good person, a person who is good for you, then of course, the relationship should end. I’m not writing about those kinds of relationships. I’m writing about those wherein two good people are together, build a life, and then it goes awry for some reason.
There have been times when I know I’ve been less than good to my husband. I was struggling mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and it affected us, our marriage, our family. I made choices that probably weren’t the best, but he stood by and supported me. He loved me unconditionally through it all, so that I felt safe, loved, able to swim through the strange current to test the waters. And no matter what happened, he was there, whether it was on the shore to receive me, or in a boat to pull me out of the water when I needed it. He was always there. He is always there. And I am the same for him. He’s also made choices that were questionable at the time. Some of them created friction, maybe even caused some pain, but I remained by his side, loving and supporting him as best I could so that we could both come out in the end together, having learned from it, and gotten stronger.
I guess the trick is knowing when to let go versus staying. Neither myself, nor my husband, have perpetrated any such transgression that we couldn’t forgive. There were most certainly times when I sat and meditated for hours over whether it was time to let go or not? I even blogged about it (Let Go - Jan 2021). But whenever I finally found the nerve to share with him my thoughts and feelings, we would always come back to how much we loved one another and didn’t want to move on, live our lives without the other as our partner. When we continually came back to that, it was clear that we had to do whatever it took to make our way through it. We chose each other. Every time.
I guess, that’s when you know to let go. Or at least, one of the times you’ll know. If you and your partner are talking about your relationship, and they don’t seem to want to choose you. It’s likely not worth staying. Or if, you don’t choose them, it’s time to go.
It’s so awfully sad though, isn’t it? I mean, the joy and elation I feel with my husband when I lie in his arms, knowing he chooses me every single day… there are no words to describe it. But feeling that I matter that much to another person is the absolute best feeling in the world. And it honestly saddens me to think there were, are, and will be, people in the world who might never experience that.
So again I say, how lucky am I?
And it IS luck, because how many people in the world strive for it? How many people believe they have it and then are devastated to realize the opposite? It’s one of the many reasons why divorce is so difficult.
So yes, unconditional love. Consistent support, and constant nurturing. These are some of the ingredients to a happy and healthy relationship. But, so is luck.
I am fortunate to have fared on the good side of luck in love. Huh, I never thought I’d associate good luck with myself. For so many reasons, I believed I was one of those who had a dark cloud above them that I just couldn’t shake off. What an amazing and wonderful realization to finally recognize that I do in fact have good luck. And it’s in love. Which to me is the most important part of living. So what if I never get my music out in the world? So what if my writing never goes beyond this hidden, tiny, corner of the internet as my blog? So what if most of my dreams are never realized? I have real love. I have a true life partner who loves me unconditionally, and chooses me every damn day. That alone is worth getting up, breathing, and living for, every day. I feel so lucky I could burst.
Ⓒ March 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
Comments