Use that Voice

What is with all the non-communicators? I don’t know if I’m unique and was just born that way, or if it’s due to experiences I’ve had throughout my life, but I just don’t get things like ‘ghosting’. I just don’t get it when people refuse to communicate. Granted, it’s likely out of some form of fear - fear of confrontation, fear of disappointing someone, fear of being proven right/wrong, etc. But how does one continue to navigate life with a big looming unanswered or unresolved issue? Let me elaborate…

I manage a restaurant and a staff of approximately twenty or more people. I recently hired a few new people to help us with a busy summer season and one of the trainees was scheduled to begin yesterday. I prepared for hours, getting all the paperwork sorted, my colleague added her into our systems so she could start right away, and I planned out her training program in detail. Not only did I want to make sure all the t’s were crossed and i’s dotted, but I wanted to ensure this girl felt supported, welcomed, and valued in coming to join us. I arrived at work yesterday morning, opened my emails and found one from her stating she wouldn’t be coming. Something personal had come up and she wouldn’t have time to both work and take care of it. It was so… vague. To be honest, it felt like her email was dripping with bullshit. Something personal, that’ll keep you so busy you can’t work, just happened to come up less than 12 hours before your first shift? Really? And all you could do was email? And I still have no idea if she simply wanted to delay her start or not start at all. Clearly now, she’s not going to be joining us.

I had thought the interview had gone well. I had thought she was eager and excited to come work with us. She also seemed to be a responsible young lady. Did I simply see what I wanted to see? Am I a really bad judge of character? One of the last people I’d hired just under two months ago had to be let go because of issues with their being unreliable. Maybe I am just a bad judge of character? Or… have these kinds of virtues been stamped, weeded, or pushed out of our society and communities?

Next case… I have a worker who is decent. I’ve had my reservations but they’re typically reliable, trustworthy, and do a good job. She’s been with us less than two months, came to us with experience, and seemed comfortable in the job. The last couple of weeks, she’s been ill and I’ve done all that I could to support her. I found coverage for shifts so she could rest and heal, and checked in with her every few days to see how she was doing. After a week of being ill, she came back to work Monday. She seemed fine, but by noon I could tell she wasn’t feeling great. When she went on her break, I guess things progressed and she felt worse. After some time, it was clear she needed to go home. So, myself and a colleague scrambled to try and find someone who could come in and help us out. We couldn’t, but we made it work. And then, as soon as I had time to, I found coverage for her next shift so that she could rest another day. When I messaged her as such, she seemed very appreciative and happy. And then I posted the schedule for next week.

Now, I’ve had a couple of staff unexpectedly leave over the last few weeks, so I’m a little short staffed. Though I’ve hired 4 (well, now 3) new people, they have yet to all start and be trained, so essentially, they can’t help with the hard or busy shifts yet. The last couple of weeks of scheduling have been tricky for me. I’ve had to schedule staff even on days they were hoping to get off. I literally have no one else available, otherwise I would never schedule someone on a day they wish to have off. Within minutes of the new schedule being posted, this girl messaged me inquiring as to why she was scheduled to work on a day she’d requested off. I apologized to her and explained - I’m short staffed, unfortunately I had to disappoint a few people, perhaps she can ask some of the team if they can help her, or switch with her, etc. I apologized and told her I would work with her to try and remedy the situation, but I had to get the schedule out and had no one else to take the shift. She never responded. I thought perhaps she was going to do just that, reach out to her fellow staff, but no. Lo and behold, within the hour, give or take, she sends an email to my colleague, stating that she is giving her notice. In her letter of resignation, she cited the work environment as unhealthy and not conducive to her mental and physical health. Both my colleague and I were and are dumbfounded. At no time did this girl ever communicate any dislike or unhappiness. And I try to speak to each of my staff before they leave at the end of their shift. She never said boo to me.

I’ve tried calling, messaging, kindly stating that I understand she feels upset and I would appreciate a conversation about it so I can improve on the things she felt weren’t healthy. Nothing. Radio silence. Basically, she has ghosted me, us. Why? Why do people do that? Am I the issue? Is she afraid of talking to me? Whether it be fear of me, or fear of my reaction, or just fear that I won’t give a shit about her feelings…. I don’t know. Or is it that she feels she shouldn’t have to explain herself? Did she feel like a cog in a wheel so much that she believed her opinion or experience wouldn’t matter? I just can’t make sense of it, and it’s driving me crazy.

I mean, I guess I can understand those that work (or have worked) for a large corporation ghosting. I can totally understand feeling like a worthless cog, not valued, and as though being there didn’t make a bit of difference. But I do all that I can to make sure my staff feel valued. I don’t bend over backwards. There are still healthy and strong boundaries in the workplace. But I want my staff to feel safe and good coming into work. I want my staff to enjoy coming to work, for the most part. I know it’s work, but still, if they feel valued and appreciated, and are empowered to do their job well, with support when needed - shouldn’t that make for a good experience? A good job? And I know I’m not always going to get it right. I know what works for some people, may not work for others, but still!

Did she quit because I couldn’t give her that one day off?? I mean, shouldn’t there have been efforts (collaborative or not) to try and get rid of the shift before simply quitting? Without notice! Couldn’t there have been at least one conversation, a chance to clear up any possible miscommunications? And if she’d already put her foot down and decided ”I’m out”, couldn’t she at least give me some notice? Let me know if she can finish up the shifts alloted to her over the next week? Now I think I’ve got shifts to fill in, but I’m not sure. And now, I have even less staff to do it.

Maybe I shouldn’t care so damn much. Maybe I should just be going in, doing my job, clearly defining what I expect of others, and hoping for the best???

No! That’s not me. That’s not my nature. And I don’t want it to be. I like being a caring and courteous person. I like helping people, whether it’s to have a good moment, a good day, or a good job. I like mentoring or coaching, essentially empowering people so they feel good about themselves and their capabilities. I guess I’ve just got to remember that I’m not always going to understand people’s actions, despite my best efforts.

Again though, I don’t understand the amount of people who don’t want/need/desire/know how to communicate. I know it isn’t easy, but it’s not that hard either. You just use what words you can, and start a conversation. It might go better than you hoped or imagined, or it might not. But that’s ok. But goddamn it, communicate! Isn’t it just better for all involved? Shouldn’t we all use our voices when we can?

Perhaps I’m sounding ridiculous because I have issues with abandonment. Perhaps this is more my issue than hers. And while it does irritate me for the reasons I’ve listed above, there is the separate issue of my strong dislike for people not standing up for themselves - especially girls and women. Historically, we’ve been raised and socialized to always be kind, happy, not make waves, etc. If this girl was unhappy, and had sound reason and logic to be, then I would think she would want to communicate her concern(s). For fuck sakes, I want her to communicate her concern(s). And not just for me to benefit from, but also for herself, and for others also. I mean, if the environment is an issue, shouldn’t I, as manager, be made aware so I can fix it? Were some of my staff unkind to her? Are there safety concerns I’m not aware of? Did I make her feel uncomfortable? Feedback is crucial to life, in my opinion. The best way to learn is through mistakes, but if no one tells us we’re making mistakes, how can we learn from them?

I don’t know, it’s likely I’m overthinking things. I know I tend to do that. I’m actually a little surprised I’m writing about this considering other things that have happened over the last two weeks. But I digress… all I really wish to say is that I hope this girl is ok and finds whatever she’s looking for. And I hope she finds her voice. Just as I hope you’re using yours, dear reader. Yes, there is a balance to when and how to use it, but use it just the same. And if you’re not sure what that balance is, use it anyway and learn from it. Just be open to making mistakes, and use that voice.

Ⓒ April 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.