#18 Happiness is not attaching too much importance to what other people think.
What other people think of you is none of your business. How much time do you spend thinking about others? If your friend says they’re going to jump off a bridge, will you? These are some of the things people say when one gets upset because they’re afraid someone, or people, don’t like them. Growing up, I struggled with that a lot. And I mean, A. LOT. I truly believed that the way to navigate through the world and find your way was based on what others thought of you. And it was exhausting, and entirely not worth it.
Too often, I lost myself in trying to be what I thought someone else wanted me to be. It took me years to really learn and know what I like (have you ever seen Julia Roberts and Richard Gere’s Runaway Bride - it’s a prime example of what I’m talking about).
I remember when I was young, my best friend was a HUGE fruit lover, and she thought it was so strange that I wasn’t. I’m sure she didn’t mean to, but I felt so judged and as though something was wrong with me. When she took me strawberry picking for the first time, she kept telling me up and down that I absolutely HAD to love them. “They’re the best fruit of all the berries,” she’d say. She was talking up such a big game, I felt like I had no choice but to tell her I liked them whether I did or not. So, when we finished berry picking, she watched, her eyes wide open in anticipation, as I took the bite of my first strawberry. And truth? I didn’t like it at all. I thought it tasted strange and hated the feeling of the little seeds on my teeth and tongue, but I didn’t want to disappoint her. Nor did I want to give her more fuel to think I was strange. I’d likely created some silly story in my head that she might not want to be my friend if I didn’t like them. So, I plastered a big smile on my face, widened my eyes with an expression of elation and told her I loved them. Moving forward, throughout our entire friendship, I had to continue to pretend loving strawberries. Of course, this is a mild story as there isn’t really any harm in having to pretend to like strawberries. Thankfully, I’m not allergic. And the funny thing is, I actually developed a taste for them as I got older and enjoy them now. But this is a sweet and funny cautionary tale, providing an example of what it can mean, and do to you, when you alter yourself, your actions, your beliefs, to please someone else. I was lucky in this instance it was only about strawberries. Unfortunately, later in life, strawberries turned into drinking, drugs, and stealing, etc.
In our interconnected world, the opinions of others can often weigh heavily on us. Some might say social media and the ‘connection’ from our digital advancements have made it worse, but that’s another topic. But, whether it’s a casual comment from a friend, a passing remark from a colleague, or the endless stream of social media feedback, it’s easy to become preoccupied with how others perceive us. This list item serves as a profound reminder of where true happiness lies. But what does the phrase really mean, and how can we embody it in our lives? Let’s delve into the art of true happiness, once again, by exploring why and how to let go of the need for external validation. Perhaps my inner child that still stupidly cares sometimes, will finally listen.
First off, happiness is an internal state of well-being and contentment, not a trophy to be awarded by the approval of others. When we tie our happiness to others’ opinions, we place our emotional well-being in their hands, making it conditional and unstable. Do you remember my post about conditional love (To Be Loved, May 21)? True happiness comes from within, from living in alignment with our values, passions, and authentic selves. I feel like I’ve been writing about that quite a bit lately :P.
Secondly, humans are social creatures, and it’s natural to seek approval from our peers. However, the constant pursuit of validation can lead us down a path of anxiety, self-doubt, and inauthenticity. When we give undue importance to what others think, we start to mold our actions, decisions, and even our identities to fit external expectations, losing sight of our true selves in the process. Therefore, it require a lot of inner strength to be able to stand on one’s own and find satisfaction in one’s opinion of oneself, rather than others - something I was very much lacking when I was younger. Call it self-love, self-value, self-worth… it’s all tied together.
So how does one build inner strength, you ask? Here are my thoughts (and experience) on it:
Self-awareness and Acceptance - The journey to inner happiness begins with self-awareness and self-acceptance. Understanding your strengths, weaknesses, desires and values helps build a solid foundation of self-confidence. Accept yourself as you are, and recognize that you are enough without external validation.
Mindfulness and Presence - Practicing mindfulness helps us stay present and focused on the current moment rather than worrying about others’ opinions. When you are fully engaged in the present, you are less likely to be swayed by external judgments and more attuned to your own experiences and feelings.
Set Personal Boundaries - Man, did I ever struggle with this one, and sometimes I still do. But it’s essential to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. Learn to say no to situations or people that drain your energy or force you to compromise your values. Prioritizing your mental health and personal needs is not selfish; it’s necessary for true happiness.
Living authentically means being true to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable or goes against the grain of societal expectations. It requires courage to embrace your uniqueness and to pursue your passions and goals unapologetically. Authenticity brings a profound sense of freedom and fulfillment, as you no longer feel the need to wear masks or conform to others’ standards.
No one is perfect, and striving for perfection is a futile endeavour. Embrace your imperfections and understand that making mistakes is a part of the human experience. In fact, I truly believe mistakes are our best teachers. Learn from them. By accepting your flaws, you can approach life with a sense of humor and resilience, making it easier to brush off criticism and judgment.
Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you for who you are, not for who they want you to be. Authentic relationships based on mutual respect and understanding foster a sense of belonging and security, reinforcing your journey towards inner happiness.
This list item is a powerful mantra for those seeking genuine and lasting happiness. By cultivating self-awareness, embracing authenticity, and setting healthy boundaries, we can break free from the shackles of external validation and discover a deeper, more resilient form of happiness. Remember, true happiness is an inside job, and it starts with valuing your own voice above all others.
Ⓒ June 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.
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