Where do I stand?

For the last few years I’ve been working on self-love. In the beginning, this journey was about learning to stand on my own two feet. But, I was surprised to find out I already knew how to do that. I just didn’t know how to do it in a balanced and healthy way that also allowed me to be happy.

As I think deeper about being able to stand on my own two feet and strive for balance, I realize I’m capable, but I don’t know where I stand. Allow me to elaborate.

When I was younger, I felt confident walking into a room full of people. I remember walking into rooms and people noticing me and wanting to get to know me. I realize it's possible my memory is messing with me. But I distinctly remember feeling good at parties. I remember people wanting to be around me because I was fun. I was lively. I wasn’t afraid of getting embarrassed. I would break out into song or dance spontaneously. I would tell stories and jokes that would keep people interested, or get them laughing. I remember enjoying being around people.

But then, I started dating guys who HATED that about me. They didn’t like that I was the centre of attention. They didn’t like that I was admired, or noticeable though of course, that’s how most of them noticed me. Perhaps they didn’t like that I drew attention to them also. I don’t know. But those guys helped shape a more uncertain girl when she navigated the world. I didn’t know how to be one of the quiet, background players. I’d always been the girl who caught attention. But to make them happy and/or comfortable I played the role of the quiet sidekick. And I did such a good job for so long, I’ve forgotten how to be the girl that catches people’s eye. Typically, one would think that isn’t a horrible thing, but when you’re an artist and want to share your art, it’s debilitating.

And then, upon further reflection and self-discovery, I realized that neither girl was real. The adventurous and outgoing one was fun, and perhaps it would help my artistic endeavors, but it also put me in harm's way a number of times. Some sticky situations I was able to get out of, others not. And in playing the role of the quiet sidekick I felt cheated and so unsure of myself. I hated it. So, some time ago, I decided that I should be my authentic and true self at all times. I refuse to play anymore roles. I’m just going to be me. And there have been many times when that has felt amazing. It feels empowering and good! However, 80-90% of those times, I’m alone.

Trying to navigate the world being my authentic self is proving to be just as challenging as trying to play the other roles. So many people are made uncomfortable by it. Very few appreciate it, though they may say they do. But I spent too much time walking through the world pretending to be what I thought people wanted me to be, saying what I thought people wanted to hear. I lost myself completely and ended up doing myself and those I love a disservice. But because as my authentic self, I can say things that people don’t like, or express an emotion that makes them uncomfortable, or don’t react to things the way they want me to, they push me away. And trust me, I was raised well and have worked hard to ensure I’m not rude, insensitive, or hurtful. As much as I can be while also being honest. I’m just being me. However, I am often described with such words as intimidating, emotional, aggressive, etc.. Words that even after a long period of digestion, still make me feel like “other”. Therefore, I rarely feel like I know where I truly stand. It’s hard to find strength in your stance when the earth keeps shifting beneath you. Which is why I wrote this...

We all know the earth moves

Though it’s solid beneath us

We’re taught to navigate it

While creating the least fuss

Keep your head up

And keep your nose clean

But the standards adhering to that

We can’t be sure what they mean

Because, though we’re all taught

The same things in school

And we’re given the same expectations

The same goals, the same rules

There are too many variables

To be able to predict

What is right or what is wrong

And how to avoid conflict

There are too many stories

Untold and unheard

Ignored, and forgotten

Glossed over or blurred

Too many stories

that create instability

Make people uncomfortable

With others’ and their own vulnerability

It’s hard enough to

Find strength in your stance

When the earth keeps moving

You feel you don’t stand a chance

Where to find the strength

To help the earth stay still?

Where to find your tribe

To help keep things real?

We think we must find the answers

To what we feel is wrong

But the questions are all different

As we march to our own song

So why can’t we let one another

Be who we’ll be

Why do we have to alter

To what others want to see?

It’s okay to be different

It’s okay to have our own mind

It’s okay to disagree

As long as we’re kind

I will not force you

To be what you’re not

I will not force you

To stand out or feel caught

I’ll simply let you

Feel how you feel

As long as to yourself

It feels real

I’ll simply let you

Be who you’ll be

I’ll be kind and hope

You’ll do the same for me

Empathy, love

Kindness and vulnerability

Met with only soft edges

No hostility

I will always aim

To meet you where you’re at

With my values as my compass

And that is that

Ⓒ October 2021. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.