With Those We Love

#8 Happiness is being with the people you love, unhappiness is being separated from the people you love.

I really like this list item because there is so much to it. In order to really understand it, I think there are four main questions that need some form of answering. 

• Why does being around those we love make us happy

• Why does being away from those we love make us sad

• Why does being around those we love too often, or too much, cause issue

• Why does absence make the heart grow fonder

For me, personally, I know that being with those I love makes me feel safe. Not just from violence or scary things, but safe to be myself, scars and all. Safe to feel how I feel without having to hold back, filter, or sensor myself. This is likely due to the emotional connection we share. There’s a mutual understanding that no matter what is said, experienced, or exchanged, we will still love each other. There’s a consistent feeling of support and understanding, like they ‘get’ the real me and will and do not judge me based on the way I represent myself at that time because who knows what I’m going through. This is what provides the sense of security, comfort, and joy, which obviously impacts my overall well-being and happiness. That’s why unconditional love is so magical. Knowing that someone will love and accept you, no matter what you do, that’s one of the roots to happiness.

But we can’t be around those who we love and who love us all the time. We have lives filled with responsibilities, including being an independent person who can positively contribute to our communities and create a life beyond just surviving. Being  self-reliant, independent, strong, and filling our lives also contributes to making us happy. But being away from loved ones can make us feel sad, especially in the absence of feeling supported emotionally if we’re going through a challenging time. Separation can create a sense of loneliness, longing, and disconnection, leading to feelings of sadness. And if we’re going through a difficult time, that sense of sadness multiplies. As human beings, we are social creatures and our relationships play an important role in our emotional well-being, so being apart from loved ones can impact our sense of happiness.

But then, if being around those we love helps us to be happy, why do we get so easily annoyed with them when we’re with them too much, or for too long? I guess it can create issues due to the potential for dependency which can lead to loss of personal boundaries, and a lack of individual growth. Dependence on another (or others) to find happiness or fulfillment can strain relationships and lead to feelings of suffocation or resentment. It’s just all around unhealthy and can lead to disastrous outcomes. And even if it’s not dependence that becomes the issue, what about when you’re in a group, or unit, and you prioritize the needs and desires of the group/unit over your own? Stars above I know I’ve been guilty of that in the past. It’s too easy to lose sight of yourself and who you are if you’re adapting to those around you. So, it seems a healthy relationship involves a balance of closeness and independence, allowing each person to maintain their individuality while still fostering and nurturing a connection with others. I presume it’s harder to do so with those you love around at all times, but then there are so many different types of love too. 

And so, being absent, or apart, is a good thing. An unimportant part of building and maintaining a healthy relationship. So, is that where “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” came from? Actually, it came from a poet in the late 19th century, Thomas Haynes Bayly. But what does it mean? I think it suggests that being apart from someone, or something, can increase our appreciation or affection for them. And I touched on that quite a bit in my previous post (Is It a Goal, March 12, 2024). I love performing beyond words. However, if I had to perform every day, I’d grow tired of it and perhaps even grow to dislike it. So having periods of time where I don’t perform allows for time to reflect on the value of what I’m missing and the positive aspects the experience has for me. I imagine it’s the same with relationships. When my hubby and I part, whether for work, travel, family commitments, whatever… each and every time I find myself missing him more and more as each day passes. Absence creates a sense of longing, which intensifies our emotional attachment and makes us more aware of the importance of the bond. Overall, it can enhance the depth of our feelings and strengthen our connection with loved ones and cherished experiences.

So yes, being with loved ones does greatly contribute to our level of happiness, and being away from them can feel like unhappiness, but like so many other things in life… everything in moderation. Right?

But, what if you don’t have anyone to love, or anyone that loves you? I can’t imagine what that must feel like, though I remember believing that was true for me so many times in my young life. I hope you’re able to really ask yourself if it is true and answer honestly. Sometimes we may not like the person/people that love us. We may not agree with them, or feel accepted or truly loved but it’s important to remember that not all people give and receive love in the same way, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Absolutely everyone deserves love and connection, and there are steps you can take to cultivate meaningful relationships and support networks. Remember that self-love and self-care are also crucial; prioritize activities and habits that promote your well-being and cultivate a positive relationship with yourself. Because the relationship you have with yourself is the base and foundation of all the relationships you have, and will have. It’s important it be a good and strong one.

Strong, healthy relationships enrich our lives, bring joy and meaning, and contribute to our happiness and resilience. Love, in all its forms, helps us navigate life’s challenges, celebrates successes, and experience the richness of human connection. I hope you have love, feel love, and give love. It’s honestly the best gift to ever give and receive and I believe, a true cornerstone to finding happiness. What do you think?

Ⓒ March 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.