Words to Ashes

The baby was screaming a blood curdling scream that would either melt a person’s heart or have their entire body tighten with anxiety.

“Poor thing,” Violet said under her breath as she lifted her cup of tea to her lips, her heart melting.

“The poor mother,” Eliza muttered, feeling anxiety come on. She hated the sound of a crying baby, but for different reasons than most. Violet made a face at her as she placed her cup back onto the small table between them.

“She’s fine,” she scoffed. “It’s all a part of the job we take on as mothers.”

Eliza rolled her eyes. She placed her cup down and looked over at the open window from where the screaming continued. It was Violet’s neighbour, not hers, and she wondered how often the screaming could be heard. It was so loud, she was almost certain the whole neighbourhood could hear it.

“Children are a blessing, even if the work convinces us otherwise sometimes,” Violet continued, a small smile on her lips. Eliza ignored her, even though there was a part of her that wanted to say something. She was about to when the screaming seemed to get louder.

“Oh my,” Eliza muttered and lifted her cup to her lips again. She couldn’t remember a time when either of her children had cried so fiercely, but it must have happened. Had it ever happened wherein their whole neighborhood could hear it, she wondered.

Eliza and Violet had raised their children on the same street. Violet remained in the home where she’d raised her brood for over thirty years. She was a proud Irish woman who’d taken to mothering like it was a calling. Five boys she’d had. All beautiful, well-mannered, intelligent, and kind. Eliza hadn’t been so blessed. A single mother of three beautiful children, mothering hadn’t come so easily to her, nor had the world helped her in any way. It had been a constant struggle. Her only reprieve had been her friendship with Violet. Visiting her were the only times she’d been able to relax. Violet’s boys would occupy Eliza’s children, and Eliza felt she could finally breathe. The twenty plus years she’d raised her children, had been the most trying and difficult time of her life. She’d had no support from anyone, as her sisters had married and moved on years ago. The father had abandoned them when her third and final child was less than a year. It wasn’t quite what he thought it would be, he’d told her. How nice that he’d had a way out. She hadn’t wanted to let him go, but during the time he’d forced himself to stay, after the second child was born, things had grown so toxic and unhealthy. She finally permitted his leaving, believing she and the children were better off. The jury was still out on that one.

Violet was now enjoying a life of retirement. Her children grown and finances not being an issue, she spent her days gardening, visiting her grandkids, and being an active member of her church. Eliza was still working. Having had to scrounge by to feed and care for her children, she’d been unable to save for retirement. The truth was, Eliza liked working, but that didn’t mean she didn’t envy those who didn’t have to.

The baby’s crying finally seemed to calm and quiet a bit.

“The poor wee lad,” Violet said. She looked at Eliza. “He’s as cute as a button, but is having a rough go at sleeping.” She lifted her cup to sip her tea again. “The poor mother hasn’t had a decent nights sleep in over a year.”

“A year? Lord, help her, the poor thing.” Though Violet nodded, Eliza didn’t think it was in agreement.

“Children are a blessing,” she repeated. “And being a mother is the most rewarding job there is.” She stated it so matter of factly, like there was no possibility or room for argument. This irked Eliza and she couldn’t stop herself from responding.

“Is it though?” Violet laughed thinking she was making a joke, but she wasn’t. In truth, she was sick and tired of everyone telling her what a blessing children were and that there was no other certainty. Eliza knew what it meant to be one, to live through the tears, the cries, the laughters, the hardships, the joys, the anxieties, all of it. When Violet realized that Eliza wasn’t laughing with her, she stopped and looked at her.

“My dear Eliza, you can’t be serious?”

“And why not? I’m a mother. I speak from experience. It’s not as though I’m speaking ill of something I know nothing about.”

“Children are a…”

“A blessing. So you’ve said, and so many others.” She took a sip of her tea, hoping it would calm the nerves that were building inside of her. Her belly felt as though it were tightening. She was worried it would start to hurt soon. “I suppose the idea of their being both a blessing and a curse is blasphemy?” She watched Violet’s mouth drop open.

“Well, I…” she stammered and stuttered. Eliza took a piece of sweet bread from the table and smelled it. Perhaps the smell of it would calm her nerves.

“You and I had very different lives as mothers, Violet. Our children were very different.”

“A child, is a child. It’s what surrounds them that makes them who they are. As long as they’re surrounded by love, all will be well.”

“That’s a load of bollocks, Vi!” Elize blurted. “And quite frankly, I resent you saying such things to me.”

“I beg your pardon?” Violet was visibly upset. Eliza didn’t want to hurt her friend, but it was as though years of pent up frustrations were finally coming out.

“It’s not that simple. I love my kids just as fiercely as you love yours. And I’m sure that woman,” she pointed to the window where the crying had come from. “Loves her boy just as fiercely. And yet, each woman’s experience as a mother is different.” Violet sat back, her hands folded in one another on her lap. “It’s not about how much you love your children.”

“What’s it about then, E?” Eliza took a deep breath.

“I don’t know,” and she realized that was where her frustration was stemming from. Motherhood had caused more than a fair share of turmoil in her life. Her kids rebelled in every way possible, making Eliza feel as though she was defective, incapable, and a failure. Her community hadn’t helped either. Those in the neighbourhood, at their church, they all whispered about them, how the kids were no good, how Eliza was failing them. And while their whispers varied from sympathy to judgement, no one ever offered any help or advice. Violet had been the only one who’d remained friendly and true to her throughout it all. Eliza suddenly felt Violet’s hand rest on her own. She looked at her dear friend, she was smiling at her.

“I know you had it rough. I know you did your best. You’ve got much to be proud of. I meant no offence to you. You know I love you, right?” Eliza felt her nerves loosen a bit. She gave her friend a small smile, and nodded.

“I do,” she told her, and it was true. The baby suddenly started screaming again. Eliza sighed and pulled her hand back. “We continue to live in such judgmental times,” she said.

“How do you mean?” Violet asked, pouring them some more tea from the pot. Eliza couldn’t help but laugh. Of course Violet didn’t know what she was referring to. When had she ever been judged by her community? Looked down at as less than?

“We can’t just leave people to their lives, can we? We have to meddle. We have to judge.” She looked at Violet and could see that she simply couldn’t understand or comprehend, through no fault of her own. She’d lived a blessed life; financially secure, fairly happy marriage, healthy children. She couldn’t imagine what life was like for someone unlike her, even if it was her best friend. Eliza smiled at her. “Look at us, sitting here, our children grown and gone, still talking about being mothers.”

“It’s what brought us together,” Violet smiled. She had a point. It was indeed what had brought them together. And Eliza didn’t want it to be what tore them apart. She desperately wanted to tell Violet how awful motherhood had been for her. How if given the chance, she wasn’t certain she’d do it again. She wanted to confess that had abortion been a safe option at the time, she never would have had her third child. She wanted to confide how much she prayed she wouldn’t be burdened with grandchildren - having to help her child through the trials of parenting, offering them the support she’d never received. She was done. She’d done her time, and she’d done her best. But she knew, if she said anything of the sort, Violet wouldn’t understand. She couldn’t understand. Her life and her beliefs wouldn’t allow it. And so, Eliza remained silent. The burning anger and frustration she felt inside of her, turned the words to ashes.

“How’s baby Daniel?” she finally asked, knowing Violet was waiting on pins and needles to start talking about her new grandson. Her eyes lit up and her smile grew so wide it practically took up her whole face. Eliza listened as the neighbour's baby continued to scream and cry in the background.

Ⓒ May 2019. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.